Poetry & Stories

Nice Guy

11/4/2017 | 10:52 pm

I will never regret falling in love with a nice guy.

I will never blame myself for falling in love with you. I will never regret choosing you.

It's unfathomable how I am somehow happy while writing this down, perhaps because I am proud that among all guys, I have loved the nicest one.

You did so many great things to me, without even you knowing. You made me into a better person. I consider myself better right now; I can already control or maybe minimize the things that kept making me a messy one before. Your existence has yielded so much happiness. You've taught me things I've hated hearing from other people, but if those were from you, it is as if I become mute yet not deaf enough to ignore your advices. I felt safe with you. It might seem cliché but maybe I found home through your presence. Many people have tried to comfort me before you but they were just like dusts. They're invisible not until the light strikes; unfortunately I've seen no light, I haven't felt them. Though you're not used to comforting other people, still you tried your best and I guess that was the best thing one has ever did to me. Your words are like thousands of hugs trying to embrace all my darkest side. You made me feel loved. I found you while I was still lost. I found the love despite the hate I have against myself, against other people, and probably against the world too.

I remembered how I used to tell myself that I need to change. I tried to change not only for myself; I tried to be better for you. I cannot be a problem to you. I must not be that girl who has anxieties. I must not be that girl who hates almost everyone and everything, even the life she has. I must not be that pessimistic one, who thinks of the end without even trying. I must avoid all the negativities. I must not be that girl who has anger towards her father. I must not be that girl. If I would remain being that girl, I must not be the girl for you.

And so, I tried to control all the negativities I had within myself. First, it wasn't easy, for I was trying to kill the personality I had throughout my existence. It was still unavoidable to have doubts but I really tried hard to avoid those. I had insecurities but I tried to think that I am better, that I can do better. I tried to live my life positively. You were the one who tried to build this personality of mine, I haven't done it myself. You tried to tell me to stop over thinking things, and that it would not cause any good to me but only loneliness. I know you had problems too but you told me that you don't let those affect you. The way you deal with things motivated me. You portrayed the role of a knight in shining armor while I was your damsel in distress.

You are way too good in school. You are undoubtedly one of those best students who have made the teachers proud and have brought achievements to the school. You are one of those students who lifted the name of the school onto the top. A best student like you would just choose an ordinary one like me? Imagine how the teachers who are so much proud of you and other students who have known you would react upon that. I can imagine their faces flashing in disgust once they'll hear my name as they think of my physical appearance, school performance― my typicality. I cannot be everyone’s laughingstock. I don’t want them to think of us not being compatible enough. You’re gold, I’m only bronze. You’re at the top while I’m at the bottom. I must not remain being like that.

And so, I strived hard to pass in every quizzes, tests, and exams. I tried to understand all those complex ideas. I don’t want to be left behind. Slowly, I was doing well in school. I wasn’t being competitive, I just tried being enough. Thus, I succeeded. I became one of the honors in the strand which I was so much afraid to take at first, due to the difficulties and responsibilities I would face. This has become the most possible way so that at least, other people can think of something good about me. I admit I have nothing good with my physical appearance, but I believe my school performance has. I tried to aim higher. By that moment, I didn’t want to settle for less. I wanted everyone to be proud. I wanted you to be proud of what I have become. You motivated me, and as always, you had no clue about that. I admired how you easily understand all those complexities and stress-laden school activities. You gave me inspiration. You molded me into a better person I haven’t thought of becoming. You were a hero without any costume or cape and I was again, a victim of a catastrophe in the past waiting to be saved.

I once had a depression to the extent that I doubted His existence. I do not have strong faith in Him. I had many questions; I blamed Him for some of I thought were the worst things that had happened to me― my depression, family problems, criticisms and the like. I noticed how close you were to Him and to your parents. It made me happy seeing a guy like you remained sweet to her mother and is faithful to God. I asked myself, “If you’re a guy and you can do those, why can’t I?”

And so, I tried joining a Christ-oriented youth organization. It was one of my steps as I tried to build a strong relationship with Him and strengthen my faith. I tried to become a good daughter. I avoided being the stupid only child. I tried to remove the hate I had against my father as he was being the alcoholic one who throws painful words against me. Those painful words that sent a burning flame all over my chest. Those were the words that repeat all over my head and have caused chaos with all my being. Believe me; having strong faith in Him has changed me way too much. It was the foundation of myself leaving the presence of permanence on my messy life. Everything followed since then― the positive mind and life.  God maybe used you to grow my faith in Him and become a daughter, even better that before.

I do not know why I considered you a factor for the changes I had in my life and within myself. I cannot actually explain but I know you did something which neither the two of us knew. I can see the changes I have and I am thanking you for that.

Sadly, you cannot notice these changes now. We do not talk anymore. We both changed; I changed for the better while you, changed for what you think is for better. I changed for you while you changed for yourself. How paradoxical it is when change has become the only constant thing in this world. Nothing lasts longer, and so what we had didn’t even last for a year. It makes me sad knowing that my accomplishments were nothing to you. I mean, you never asked me to be good and it was my initiative to be one. It is just somehow sad when the one who motivated me has now become a perfect stranger. A stranger to whom my heart is still into yet the soul inside is now unknown. I guess I cannot stop you then, and I know you had nothing to regret with the decision you chose. I just hope for your happiness.

You, being the nice guy I fell in love with has also made me a nice one. You were the knight in shining armor while I was your damsel in distress. You were a hero while I was waiting to be saved. You were the unexplainable beauty amidst the mess. You were the lessons despite the stress. Love, you were just a temporary bliss.