Poetry & Stories

5 THINGS

5 things that make you similar with my father,

First, you don’t usually plan. I mean, you might be planning but those are hidden within the deepest aorta of your heart and inner pockets of your soul. None of those were said to me, none of those were shown. Do you know what was the worst excuse I have heard from you? It was when we had a brief talk and you finally had the courage to nod when I was asking you if it was finally over for the both of us. I asked you several times if you are entirely done on me, on us; hoping that you would try to do something to revive by staying and would not letting me slip away. It might be funny for me to ask when we haven't started yet. But, I was disappointed after hearing your added sentiments “I have no plans with my life.” I apologize but it is still an invalid reason for me until now for dumping what could have been better for us. It’s unbelievable for a smart guy like you to have no plans. I know you do, I am just not involved in one of those.

Second, you don’t tell me what’s wrong. You are not blunt enough to express your emotions to me, making me doubt if I really am trustworthy after you chose me. Throughout my existence, I feel like I am being involved in a guessing game. I have to pinpoint the exact emotions my father carries. I don’t do the things that might possibly make him angry without even knowing if he likes it or not. I wasn’t able to escape from this game even when it comes to you. I just realize now how uncomfortable I was with your existence. I was afraid to do the things that might possibly ruin everything between us. I was afraid of you, it was awkward. After all has ended, I only grasped few things about you. With every little talk, with all those few moments, it felt like axing every wall you’ve built. How ironic, I tried to destroy those walls but it was me who was left in ruins.

Third, as time goes by your love has faded. I still remember how happy I was each afternoon my father arrives from work. He would bring me some little things and would even wake me up when I had fallen in deep slumber. He carries me on his back every morning after waking me up with some early cradlesongs. I remember him hiding behind those boxes in our storage room when he and my mother had a huge fight and all I had to do was cry. I even cried harder when he tried to frighten me by telling that he would leave us and will go to another city where he’ll make a new family. After minutes of secretly stealing a look of me while having tantrums and running around our house to find him, he finally went out and burst a laugh. Those memories are still fresh because there are only few good ones stored in my mind. As I grew older, I only had seldom talks with him and mostly of those are instances where he would request something for me to do like getting his ashtray and a glass for his alcohol. Same as you, at first we were everything we wanted, we were everything people had expected to see. But, as summer turned to autumn and then, autumn to winter, the fire we have kept burning shed its debris turning into ashes and cold breeze had it embraced. 

Fourth, you were a coward. I hate it when you think less of yourself when all of us believe that you’re too much. You are too much that I don’t deserve you. You are too much that people around us believe that I am no bizarre to be your girl. I apologize if calling you a coward satisfies me, perhaps it is because you tried pursuing me yet you find your way out in the middle of everything. Isn’t it a coward’s move? I don’t know, but if ever I would find out where you have been seeking the courage to stop something you had started was the only time I will no longer call you coward. My father does that almost all through my existence, he does not give us any warnings, and we remain clueless. He assures us at the beginning and few days later, we will learn that he gave up. My father belittles himself too much without even considering his capabilities. He believes that he's not good enough in something and that's one of the things I hate about him. He doesn't trust himself, I will no longer wonder where I have got my lack of trust to myself. He gives us false hopes, promises us with best things, and ends up with nothing. I am fine with nothing that father is giving us, we never desired for too much in the first place. I was born and raised in a simple family and I do not crave for more. But, promising me in the very beginning hurts me especially when it is unfulfilled. The most painful promise that my father has broken is his time. He promised to give us time, he promised to put his family in his topmost priority yet in the end, both of me and my mother face another round of disappointment.

Fifth, you broke the rules. You’ve done things I forbid you to do. I reminded you not to mess up everything after I was so done having my own messy life. I reminded you not to break my trust because I had too much that it gave me trust issues. I have my own problems in life, I am not a good decision maker, I am not the best one for you, and the both of us may not go along very well in the near future. I endlessly showed you my pessimism that I am almost at the highest degree of negativity. I always plead you to understand me even if I couldn’t do the same to myself. This is the same way of begging my father to stop drinking alcohol. I would even cry a pail of tears, expecting I would hit the softest spot in his heart and that he would finally listen to me. This is the same way I looked pathetic in both of your eyes and unfortunately, I failed to stop you.

You and my father had too much in common. I lost my faith in men because of my father; our hearts grew apart as we are both getting older. You came, and with a strike of hope that maybe, I would be able to restore my lost faith anytime soon. I was in the process of believing that you would do the opposite of what my father has done. How hopeless romantic was I to think of you trying to fix the pieces my father once shattered. How naive was I to see you trying to fill the holes left when I felt abandoned. You and my father did the same, you both broke my heart. Even if you had so much in common, there’s something that sets you apart; he already broke my heart just before you could.