Your Light[LAMS And Constant Re-editing]

Regret and...

John

So, I've pushed my roommate away from me by creating an excuse which does not make any sense whatsoever, and now he probably hates me forever.

And the award for being the Biggest Douchebag goes to...

Congratulations John. For the rest of your life.

What's a word that you use to describe that moment when you know what you've done was for your own sake to save you from the past repeating itself, yet your conscience feels guilty, yet you wish you could have handled it differently? Like being in an argument, and then after the argument has ended, you're suddenly able to think of valid arguments, points, and comebacks, except replace those thoughts with a sudden realization that you could have diffused the situation that wouldn't have ended in a hot raging mess?

What is this feeling? Is it called regret? Pain? I don't know. I truly believe that emotions shouldn't be defined by mere words. It's almost an insult to what us humans are completely capable of doing to others. I've seen it, I've experienced it. I don't want to hurt someone and then appear to play the victim card to 'try and gather pity and look bad'. The only I want to do is give my side of the story, and I'm glad Laf and Herc did that first.

I feel horrible. I feel like shit. And I should be.

"Mon ami, what happened with Alex here?" Lafayette asks me after closing the door.

"Dude, what the fuck happened before?" Hercules follows, and I'm glad he used his indoor voice we helped him develop and use in situations like this. Me and Laf had difficulty with that in high school, but eventually, we achieved that.

I turn my head to the left where I can at least see their worried expressions, and then back so I face the ceiling.

"Laf, I feel like shit," I reply.

"C'mon, open up." Laf pressures me. "we can barely hear you with the walls. You're unreachable."

Lafayette is right. It's only metaphorical, of course, but he's still right. I've kept my guard up so high now, and it's worse. I didn't just push a person away. I actually hurt someone who could have been my friend.

"John, it's just us. Your best buds. It'll be okay, we won't judge." Herc says.

I take a deep breath. Still, I face the ceiling since I can't bear looking at them in the eye with all this emotion just mentally breaking me down.

"I did something stupid. Bottom line, I kinda told him to fuck off for doing something completely human and normal."

"Damn," Herc responds. "That is stupid."

"Don't make me feel worse, Herc. It's already bad enough as it is."

"John, look at me in the eye. Please." Laf says.

I do as he says. Except this time I sit up on the bunk so I can face both of them.

"I know you too well. I know that you really didn't want to do that. Me and Herc, we saw it first. You let your guard down the first time you met him. Mon ami, we make mistakes all the time. We can be noix stupides sometimes. So, we forgive each other by apologizing to one another. That's all we have to do. Just a genuine apology will do, mon cher ami."

I give out a sigh.

"You're really good at friendship things, you know Laf?" I say, giving him a small smile.

"Hey, what about me?" Hercules asks, giving me puppy eyes. I chuckle at the sight.

"You too, Herc. Both of you."