Heartbreak [Jack Gilinsky]

XXV - Choice

I never thought that pain could be this persistent. I was used to scraped knees or twisted ankles or broken arms or any kind of physical pain but not this. Not this harsh emotional shit that was impossible to get rid of. My heart has been aching and my tears wouldn't stop rolling down and all I tried to think of was how to make it stop.

I honestly didn't expect Jack to say that shit to me but then again he was Jack; that's what he was known for. I just didn't think he'd say it when I needed him most.

The mirror reflected my broken self with red eyes and puffy cheeks and a hopeless expression and it only made me feel more pathetic. I stared at the razor blade I had broken into pieces and I wondered if I was balsy enough to use it. I've seen it in movies plenty of times and I honestly felt like it would be a great distraction. I didn't want this emotional pain anymore, I wanted to focus it on physical pain instead.

The longer I stared at the blade the more I wanted to put it use. But the mere thought of slicing my skin open was sickening enough to make me want to throw up. I literally felt the acids of my previously eaten lunch try to come up but I took a deep breath to keep it in.

This pain was impossible. I didn't want to feel so broken over a guy that wasn't even worth it. Over a jackass. Over a sweetheart who bought donuts for you. Over a boy who'd beat up anyone who hurt you. A boy who kept you safe.

My lip started quivering again and I dropped the stupid razor in the sink, sinking to the ground and curling in a ball.

I felt small and vulnerable and exposed and I wanted to sink in a dark hole in the ground and disappear forever but then I thought that I shouldn't be wishing shit like that on myself because some guy was a dick.

But then I started thinking about reasons why he wasn't some guy and how wasn't a dick and how he was perfect and how he didn't want me and how I was just another girl to him and I hated myself but I hated him more and I hated my dad and I hated the world for being so cruel to those who didn't deserve tragedy and being kind to those who deserved worse.

That's when I decided I would give up. I would give up being so naive and gullible and easy to fool and instead fool and hurt others. That's what I would do.

If I stayed clear of feelings I'd stay clear of pain. Because the pain that hit me a mere hour ago was already too overwhelming and too much for me to handle that I never wished it upon my worst enemy.

And I didn't even love him. I wasn't in love with Jack, right? At least I didn't think I was. But then how did I possibly feel this hurt if I wasn't even in love with him?

-

*flashback to ten years ago*

"A-Aren't you scared?" I whispered, holding onto little Jack G's shirt tightly, hiding behind him as we stood in the dark hallway. "Can we turn the light on please?" I continued, terrified of what was beyond the bathroom door in the dark.

"I'm not scared." He bravely stated, walking towards the bathroom door and turning the knob.

The three of us, (Jack G, Jack J and I) had just finished watching Chucky and I was sure I could see the doll in every shadow, waiting to strike. I really had to pee but I was afraid and my brother fell asleep half way through the film, so I was left with Jack G.

He claimed he wasn't afraid but I noticed the slight trembling in his hands. I always noticed everything about him, even from that age. Back then I had a crush on him as innocent as crushes were.

As he continued with opening the door there was a long creak like in many horrors, revealing the darkness of the bathroom.

He walked in first, slowly and carefully when suddenly there was a loud bonking on the bathroom window, scaring us nearly to death as he instantly shut the door.

We ran to my brother's room crying and holding onto each other tightly in the dark. I turned on the light switch to reveal a crying Jack when I noticed the wet patch on his pajama pants.

He continued crying more when he noticed my discovery and I hugged him and told him it was okay, still crying a bit myself.

"Take them off." I eventually instructed and assured him I wouldn't peek. I turned off the light switch again even though it scared me.

"Promise you won't tell anyone." I heard him say not too far from me.

I couldn't see him as he was obscured by the dark, and even though he couldn't see me either I smiled.

"I promise."

We found our pinky fingers in the dark and wiggled them, making it an oath that would last a lifetime. I heard him rustling and moving, and I assumed he was changing his pants. After a while it was completely quiet, and without a warning the light switched on.

He was wearing different pajama pants, the dirty one in his hands. His face was beet red and his eyes didn't meet mine.

"It's okay Jack, don't be embarrassed." I said, my small hands taking the pants from him.

With the hand that wasn't holding the pants I grasped his, and walked out the room, turning on the hallway light to scare away Chucky if he was still lurking around. I was still terrified but I held tightly onto Jack's hand and lead him downstairs and eventually out the back door towards the trash can.

"No one will find it here." I assured him as I pushed it inside the trash can not letting go of his hand.

-

When I woke it was dark and cold and my body hurt from sleeping on my hard bathroom tiles. My cheeks had dried up tears on them and my nose was clogged up because of all the crying. Slowly I got up from my position on the floor and walked to my bed, plopping down on it in defeat.

The clock read 4A.M. and the events of yesterday came back to me. I didn't feel sad anymore, though. I've already made up my mind. I was going to California with my mom and I wasn't ever coming back.

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authors note:

short chapter but hey luv u and leave an vote <4