I'm staring at this screen and everything in my mind left. 2 screens really. I stopped playing my game, even though the vibrations of the controlling echoing the gunshots from the game takes a slight edge off of the numbness and pain. That doesn't make sense, I know. That thing that just likes to claw at me when it's getting better is back. For no reason. I wasn't able to sleep till 6AM, and I just broke down, not crying exactly because every tear I ever had left my body a long time ago, besides, "dad" said crying is pathetic, and I never want to be pathetic, fucking ever. That's the numbness. The pain is physical like usual. That feeling you get in your throat when you're gonna cry and it's like choking, and I can't get a full breath, no matter how long I breathe in. I feel like a usual disappointment. Last night, or I suppose this morning, the urge to cut came back. My skin was itching for something. I didn't though, but fuck, I wanted to. I understand now. It's this constant tingle, for lack of better words, on the inside of my arm. I just want to talk to someone, but I don't want to initiate the conversation. I don't want to talk about 'it' yanno, I just want company, I guess. God, I don't make any fucking sense, sorry. I can't make up my mind and that's probably why people stop being my friend a lot. I'm usually too weird, or they realise my worth and decide its not enough. I don't blame you if you do, if I was in your shoes, I would too. I wish I could walk away from myself sometimes. I just wish everything would slow down. 'hey, hey, wouldn't it be great, great, if we could just lay down, and wake up in slowtown...things are to fast, fast, save us.' - Tyler Joseph/Slowtown. I just want everything to stop moving.
