The Star that never Shone

Chapter XIV

STILES

Lydia was right.

It was not right of me to argue with my mom, she was only trying to help the situation for the both of us. Even though I still do not comprehend how she wanted to make it better for me. Maybe it was just for Kate and herself. Like she said, Kate was my first and only girlfriend.

I start to move around, biting my thumb nail. Obviously nervous to find out what they're talking about. "Would you stop that, please?" Sarah asked, startling me. "Stop what?" My thoughts are everywhere right now. What are they talking about so much that they need to take this long? I mean, I know it's about me but for sure it is not something to worry about. Right? Hopefully my mom is avoiding the topic of what I used to do as child. Wait, what if she's actually doing just that? She's got pictures on her phone.

"Stop walking around like a maniac. You're driving me crazy, right now." I stopped pacing immediately. "Should I go up there? They're just, taking so long that it's driving me crazy." Sarah laughed. She laughed! I'm panicking over here. Sweating my balls off and she's laughing at me. "Are you seriously worried about that? Come on, Stiles it's not that bad. I mean, what's the worst that can happen? All they're doing is sit there just having some girl talk. Nothing much." She's right. Just girl talk nothing. Nothing else.

As soon as I sat down on the couch and finally calmed down, my mom came down the stairs wiping her face. What kind of girl talk were they having? Are all girl talks like this? "Mom?" I stood up, not knowing what to do but watch. What happened that got her so emotional?

As soon as she realized that I was talking to her, mom looked at me. Lost, sad, confusion and relief all the same time in those brown eyes that I was so used to seeing since the day I was born. She rushed towards me, giving me the biggest hug she had ever given me. "I'm so sorry," What is going on? "I'm so sorry that I let you go through all of this alone. I can't believe I was such a horrible mom to you. I-I wanted to think that you were fine ever since, the, you know, thing that happened over the summer but I knew you weren't but I ignored it and I'm so, so sorry."

What am I supposed to say to this? That I was okay with the fact that I was going through something so deep in my life and my family was not there to support me? That I was okay with the fact that they acted like I no longer needed them to hold means tell me that the pain I was feeling would one day go away? "It's okay." That was all I could say though. Because that had been the only thing I've been saying my whole life.

•••

When the whole thing with my mom had finished, I went up to my room to check on Lydia. She had not gotten out of there ever since. I was starting to get worried. The feeling in my gut was telling me that I should be calm down. That it was nothing major.

So I did. I got to my room door and without knocking I went inside to find Lydia, looking at something in her hand. As I got closer, I noticed it was a photo of seventeen year old me, playing with the most real friend I've ever had in my life. I sat beside quietly, as I took the memories of that day in. I still remember how sunny it was, for how long we had been playing and all of that is because I remember what happened that same night.

"Who's this?" Lydia asks, running a finger over the smiley the smiley kids in the picture. "He's my best friend. Was my best friend." I corrected. "Was?" She looks at me. I nod. "What happened?" She asked. "He died." I said those two words with no emotion. I never thought I would be able to do one day but I guess that was it. "Oh my God, Stiles. I'm so-"

"His name was Scott. Scott McCall." I cut her off. "He was the best person in the world, you know. Always helping others. Always giving the benefit of the doubt, even when people don't deserve it. I would never do anything without him," I smiled at a few memories. "I'd always get him in trouble though." I remember that day so clearly. The worst day of my life. "That's how died. I told him to go there with me." I fought with everything I had to not break down. "How did he...?" Lyds tried to ask.

"Die?" She nodded. "He got shot," I said, numbness filling my body once again. "But that's a story for another time." I said, with the brightest smile I could make  in the darkest pain of all. Before she noticed it was fake I stood up. Talking about this situation was the most painful thing I could ever do in a lifetime. Not knowing that he was dying as I ran towards my car was the worst thing that happened. I will never forget it. I will never forget what happened to my best friend.

The guilt I am forced to endure every single day is stronger than the my will to wake up every morning and keep going with my life. It used to be worse though, when Lydia and I did not know each other yet. I stopped going to school often and even if I did, I would hide around my friends at school.

Every day I would hear than gunshot coming from the woods, I kept running though, non-stop. God, how I wish I had gone back to check on him.

I tried to find out who pulled that trigger but every time I was close to getting the answer that I needed something would come up and prevent me from doing so. I still have to discover the reason why or how I would always be stopped but I know for a fact that I would. Either by something or someone. So i gave up in the search for my best friend. In the search for the murderer.