I'm Not Okay: If You Ever Felt...

Alone

Monday, September 8th

Monday morning. Just like any other school student, I hated Monday morning more than any other time of day, but what made it even worse was the fact that it was the first day back at school after the Summer holidays.

Just like every weekday morning, I was sitting on my front porch waiting for my best friend, Ray... and just like every weekday morning, I was unable to stop thinking about him. We'd been best friends since we were 4 years old, but now that we were both 16, I was in love with him. I kinda wished I wasn't, though. He'd never go out with a guy like me... I got so nervous when I saw him coming!

"Hey, Ray!" I called out, mentally congratulating myself for not stuttering or saying anything stupid.

"Hey, Gerard!" he shouted back.

"So, uhh, how are you?" I asked him, and I felt nervous yet happy when he sat down next to me.

"Hey, I'm good. And you?" he asked.

"I'm great!" I answered. "Hey, umm, we got a few minutes before we gotta head off to school."

"Ah, awesome! Hey, when we do have to leave, do you wanna stop at the comic book store on the way there?" Ray requested.

"Oh, of course! I really want to make a comic book when I'm older." I told Ray.

"Gerard, we've been over this..." he sighed. "...you like D&D, Audrey Hepburn, Fangoria, Harry Houdini and croquet. You can't swim, you can't dance, and you don't know karate. Face it, you're never gonna make it!"

"I don't wanna make it. I just wanna -" I began.

"Gerard!" My mom called from inside. "You forgot your bag." She opened the front door and handed me my school bag with a smile.

"Thanks, Mom." I thanked.

"You're welcome, Gee." she replied. "Oh, hello, Ray!"

"Hey, Mrs Way!" he replied happily. My mom walked back inside, smiling at us both. As soon as she'd walked back inside, Ray started sniggering.

"What's so funny?" I asked.

"Gee... you momma's boy!" he laughed cheekily.

"Wait, what?" I asked.

"She called you Gee, dude!" he giggled.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever! Your mom's given me cuter nicknames." I jeered.

"Hey, shuddup!" Ray shouted. "C'mon, let's just get to school. Maybe it won't be as bad as expected."

"Highly doubtful." I mumbled. "Hey, can I see your timetable?"

"Yeah, sure." Ray answered, handing me his timetable. I pulled my own timetable out of my blazer pocket and compared the two.

"We're in all the same lessons together!" I exclaimed happily, handing Ray his timetable. I blushed a little when I realised just how happy I was.

"Awesome!" Ray concurred, peeking at his timetable. "Oh, shit."

"Why, what's wrong?" I asked.

"We got English first." Ray grumbled.

"Aw, fuck." I sighed.

"HEY!" yelled a voice coming from behind us. Ray and I turned around to see who it was... it was my little brother, Mikey. "Bitch, don't just leave without me!"

"Hey, what took ya so long, lil' bro?" I asked.

"Don't call me that." he snapped. "I lost my timetable. I got it now, though... and just by lookin' at it, I can tell high school's gonna suck ass."

"Yeah, it does that." Ray replied. Well, come on, let's get to school. Oh, and don't worry if you get lost. Pretty much everyone gets lost in their first year of high school."

"Yeah, and they give you a map, but you're better off looking at a blank piece of paper." I told Mikey.

"Thanks for the reassurance, guys." said Mikey sarcastically. "Well, I'm just gonna look at the bright side and remember that my 13th birthday's in two days. And you better get me a damn present!"

"Feisty, you are!" I replied jokingly in a Yoda voice, making Ray giggle.

"Fuck off." swore Mikey.

After about 15 minutes of walking and chatting, Ray, Mikey and I arrived at school.

"Oh, God, this place is fucking huge!" exclaimed Mikey.

"Yeah, I told you you're gonna get lost, Mikey." yawned Ray. "Ugh. I gotta get used to getting up at fucking 7am again."

"So, umm... do I, like, go to my first lesson now and wait for the teacher?" asked Mikey. "Because that's what we always used to do..."

"Nah, you just kinda hang around the school until the bell rings." I answered.

"Okay, well, I'm gonna try and find my way around. See you guys later." replied Mikey, walking off and waving to us all.

"See ya!" shouted Ray and I in unison. Now that Mikey was gone, maybe I could confess to Ray how I felt about him...

"So, uhhh... Ray, umm..." I stuttered, scratching the back of my neck and darting my eyes. My heart was beating fast...

"You okay?" asked Ray.

"Umm, yeah, I'm fine, it's just that, uhhh, I'm... I'm in -" I began, but I thought maybe I'd tell him later on... after all, there were lots of people walking around. I didn't want anyone to overhear. "I'm in, uhhh, the bottom set for PE! And, umm, I was just wondering if you were too. I-I didn't see what PE set you were in on your timetable..."

Fuck. That took me an awful long time to say...

"Ummm... I'm in the top set." replied Ray awkwardly.

"Oh, okay. Hahaha..." I laughed nervously.

"Ha... haha... umm..." laughed Ray, who still felt awkward. I could easily tell. Anyone could.

"Soooo... yeah." I said quietly, walking around in slow circles and kicking my legs out as I walked.

"Are you sure you're alright?" asked Ray, concerned.

"I'm okay, I promise." I assured him. To be honest, I didn't feel too bad about not telling him. After all, I could just tell him later on... but he'd never be my boyfriend. I just knew it. I wasn't even sure or not if he was into boys. I felt so alone...