Damaged

Chapter Three

A/N Sorry I haven't posted in a while but I had some spare time and said that I may as Well finish this chapter. I hope you're enjoying the story so far and I hope you keep reading because the story will get better. Enjoy😁

Tris POV

A shot rings out across the damp ally. Then another. I turn to face the person standing in front of me, being shielded by the opposite side of the doorway to me. My mother.

She has a pistol clutched to her chest. She's wearing the same thing she was the last time I saw her; a tank top that reveals the tattoo that had proved to me my original thoughts. She was Dauntless.

Since then I have found out so much more about her, with the Bureau's help. About how she was originally from the fringe and how she was 'saved' by the Bureau.

Another shot rings through the air, snapping me out of my daze. I turn and peek around the doorway I have my back against to get a better view of my attacker. The people rounding the corner towards me have blank eyes and slack facial expressions. I would know that look anywhere. They are simulation bound.

They turn the corner and I get a better look at their faces. The first two I don't recognize but the next one to round the corner is easily recognized. Will. It takes me a minute to register that I am back to a year ago. Back to when I had to kill my friend to save myself.

I barley made it through this last time I don't know how I will do it again. Will breaks into a run, gun aimed out in front of him, getting closer by the second. Suddenly it comes to me. What is the one thing I have regretted for the past year? Killing Will. Maybe now I can make up for that.

I'm not going to kill him. I'll let him shoot me first. I'd rather die than have to live through that guilt and grief again.

I step out into the ally, holding my gun in front of me. I shoot the other two soldiers behind Will, and hit first try on both. I try to lower my gun, but I don't seem to be in control of my body anymore. The scene playing out is so familiar that I can predict the exact movement before it happens.

My finger covers the trigger, all the while I'm struggling to take back control of my limbs. I finally give up, realizing that there is no point in fighting. I try to close my eyes, or look away so I don't have to watch the scene playing out, but I have no choice. I watch my shaking fingers squeeze the trigger once again. I watch Will's limp body crumple to the ground for the millionth time. I have replayed this scene in my head too many times to count.

The next thing that happens shocks me though. As I walk by Will's body crumpled on the ground, it rolls over and his hand touches my foot. I jump back and look down, only to see that the body is not Will any longer, but it has now changed to my mother's body.

I am completely shook. I blamed myself for my mother's death, but never as much as I blamed myself for Will's. I thought that I had been getting over it, or at least moving on, if only slightly, but now I realize I have not moved at all. I have merely gotten better at hiding my guilt and grief.

The body on the ground transforms yet again, and this time it is Tobias I see lying on the ground in front of me. Bloody and cold, with an emptiness in his eyes that breaks me...

I wake, sweaty and sore. I hear someone screaming, then realize it's me and I bite down on the blanket to make myself stop.

This is not so much a regret or guilt of what I have done, as a fear of what I may do. I am constantly fearing that I will be the reason for Tobias's death or injury and I would never be able to live with that guilt.

I am in the room alone, which is rare as Tobias is almost always with me. In a way I am kind of thankful for the emptiness of the room, because I wouldn't want Tobias to see me break down like this, especially not worrying about him.

I am still so tired and I know that I should be getting some more sleep, but I doubt I'll be able to sleep after that nightmare.

I put my head back on the pillow and close my eyes, trying not to sleep, but within a few minutes I'm out cold.

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I am woken by Tobias shaking my shoulder gently. "It's time Tris." He whispers quietly. "You know you don't have to come if you can't handle it. You've been through a lot lately."

I knew this was coming. He doesn't even have to tell me what he is talking about. They are unplugging Uriah. I don't know if I'll be able to handle it but Uriah was like a brother to me, and I need to honor him, even if it is just holding his hand while his heart beats for the last time.

"I'll be fine Tobias." I croak, already trying to choke back the tears. Tobias lifts me up and places me in a wheelchair very carefully as to not hurt my wounds. As he wheels me down the corridor, I start to recall all the good times I had with Uriah. 

When Marlene died, we all new he wasn't okay, and most likely never would be the same again. But he always managed to keep smiling, even when things got really hard. I think we were all so caught up in the war, and our own problems that we never really noticed how much Uriah had been affected. We all just chose to believe when he said he was fine.

Watching them unplug Uriah is going to be extremely hard for me to watch, but I can't imagine how hard it will be for Zeke and Hanna. Zeke has been through so much, almost losing Shauna and now losing Uriah, Hanna will be the only family he'll have left.

Tobias wheels me up outside the window looking into Uriah's room. I stretch up and peek through to get a better look. The scene inside almost makes me burst into tears right there.

Zeke and Hanna are standing on either side of Uriah, holding a hand each. Even through everything, Zeke has somehow managed to always keep his cool, he's so like Uriah in that way, but this is the first time I have seen him like this. 

His face is red and blotchy, tears flowing down his cheeks. Hanna doesn't look any better, but she has been crying non-stop since she arrived. Uriah is lying motionless in between both of them, completely oblivious to the pain and grief around him.

I relax my body back into my chair, realizing that I was there were tears silently trickling down my face. I bring my hand up to my face to wipe the tears away. I feel Tobias' rough hand on the back of my neck, reassuring me. 

I think back to the dream I had before. I close my eyes to stop the tears, but the image I'm greeted with does not help stop the flow. Replacing Uriah on the table is Tobias, his body limp and lifeless. 

I snap my eyes open as fast as possible. I will not let that happen to him, I promise myself. I hear commotion in the room in front of me and peer through the window again. The doctor is ready to unplug him. Zeke grabs Hanna's hand across the bed and squeezes it.

Hanna closes her eyes tightly and squeezes Zeke's hand back. The sow beeping that was in the background slowly turns into one long beep. Zeke collapses on top of the bed, his grief dragging him down.

Hanna just stands there staring down at them both, as if she has completely frozen in time. I sit there, staring through the window. If I could get up out of the chair and run, I would. I would close my eyes, but the image that awaits me behind my eyelids is far worse.

I stare down at the floor, to numb to do anything. I felt something click inside me. How many times have I had to endure this? How long will this go on? How many more friends will I lose?

I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't let anything happen to Tobias, but how can I do that? The only way to make sure that the rest of my friends are safe is to eliminate all threats. But there are so many. Our best option now is to go home and try to stay safe. I'm finished cleaning up other peoples problems and getting punished for it. 

The selfless Abnegation girl inside me is gone, but so is the brave Dauntless. I'm not Beatrice or Tris anymore. I don't know who I am.