Shadow Effect

Be Careful.

It was finally August 11 and my last day of being in town. The week left me drained, more so emotionally and spiritually. I had barely spoken to anyone aside from the other employees at the store. I had no findings there, by the way. I supposed that they stopped whatever they were up to in the presence of a new employee. This confirmed my feelings that I shouldn't have been sent here. It was a poor plan and I told the management there to just let these people go. They'd be within right to do so since all new hires sign a contract stating that employment could be terminated at any time for any reason. I already knew Jutt would be mad at me when I got back for that suggestion. I was at least being honest with them.

I worked each day until nine at night and did the same thing. I'd take my time closing to put off sitting in my room with my thoughts as long as possible. I would try to grab dinner from some place different each night. Luckily I was able to try every place in town, some twice. I attempted human interaction that weekend. I caught the end of the jazz performance on Friday, which was watched by me and two older couples. Kay wasn't even working so that night was a miss. I tried out the local bars the next night where I finally found traces of life. Local prostitutes, Meth people, and amateur producers had flooded in once the same three elderly gentlemen from the week days left.

That's all really pointless now so yeah, my last day. I slept in since I wasn't expected at the store any longer and the flight home was at 12:15 that night, pick-up at 8:30. Kay had offered to meet me at the car rental place for a ride back here the last time we spoke. I hadn't spoken to her since Saturday morning which was also the last time I saw her at work, but we agreed on the time of 2PM. I had the Kia returned, paper signed, and was ready to go by 1:45. An hour passed and she never showed. I hate that shit, big pet peeve. It wasn't the point that she couldn't come, rather that she came up with the idea to offer me a ride just to leave me waiting. I get that things come up, but just say so and give a call. She had my cell number and the number for the rental place. Fuck it. I had just hours left. I took the exercise and made it back in 30 minutes.

I was packed by 7 and twiddling my thumbs at that point. No more new movies to watch. Read a whole book. For some reason I didn't get a WiFi signal in my room, but did on the outside balcony. I'd go out there for a while to be on my phone and kill that pack of cigarettes from last week.

A man that looked about five years my elder, wearing a black women's kimono with a floral pattern, engaged me in conversation while out. His voice startled me as it had been four whole days since I spoke any words besides short affirmations that I understood directions while getting "trained" at work.
"Not from here?" I heard. Sounded like I missed the first part. "What's that?" I ask. "I said you aren't from here" he looked at me pensively as he took a big drag off his smoke. "Oh yeah - no, here on business" I muttered. "That makes sense, you look like someone important, New York"; was he flirting? I'm guessing I looked like a typical business lady, at a hotel alone and staring at my cell. I probably looked like I was doing something productive. "I'd never live in New York. And everybody has phones now, it's twenty-ten" I said. "Just East Coast, I meant" he said. "Yeah, close enough. I'm out in Maryland and work from Baltimore".

We quickly moved on from the banal to some deeper, more existential and government conspiracy shit. I wished I could take this guy home to meet Jer and so he could be our buddy. He shared our sense of humor and had an easy temperament. He was fascinating, too. I think he found me so as well, but my life looked mundane next to his experiences. I could just tell he wasn't lying about any of it. It was however only a platonic connection. We talked about why neither of us had children. He said that he could have some out there and not know, jokingly I hoped. He wanted to know why, as a woman, I chose not to procreate. "Well, we know that it's an expectation for all women to like children and want to have them" I began. "I have a lot of reasons but the biggest being I just never liked them. The screaming. The never-ending questions and demands. Really though, it's just cruel in today's world. I wouldn't want to bring anybody into it being the state it's in now. It isn't getting better, either. Even ignoring all of that, you have the intensive mothering wave. Any and all mistakes made by them is your fault. You should be with them 24/7 providing a bubble of security from all threats and if you can't do it you're a neglectful parent. Whatever. I don't know what I want out of life yet, but it isn't that". He gave me a smile, nod, and a "Right on".

It was now 8:14. I'd been ranting with this delightful fellow for a while, with his robe left open to expose chest and underwear. He let me know it was time for him to make his way back and we said goodbyes. The last thing he said was "Be careful on that flight tonight"; weird, since I did not recall mentioning any details about when I'd be going.

I was watching the town vanish behind me in the airport van by 8:32. The further we got away, the better my mood got. Excitement built as I thought of my dogs, husband, and own bed. I hadn't realized until now that I was carrying a fair amount of anxiety while here, as my joints relaxed a bit. Being here, in this car and out of there felt safe. I'd feel just the opposite of that real soon.