Spoken Word

I Needed You

Monday, January 7th, 2019

I needed you and you weren't there.

I was 4 when I realized my family was different.

6 when my mom's boyfriend tied me to a tree in the middle of July and left me there for an hour

I was 8 when my brother seriously hit me for the first time

I was 10 the first time I cut myself because I didn't know how to deal with the pain.

12 when I tried to kill myself

I was 14 when I had a panic attack so bad I fainted in the kitchen and smacked my head off the counter

16 when my life went to shit and I was almost homeless

I was 18 when my very first boyfriend broke my heart and cheated on me with my supposed best friend.

I needed you dad and you weren't there.

I fucking needed my dad and you were gone not giving shit about what was happening to me.

While I was wondering why I wasn't good enough and why you left me. You were off doing God's knows what but not giving a shit about your only daughter but I needed you! I needed my dad and you weren't there. And I can't forgive you for that. And I hate you I really want to anyway. I mean I have every right too but you're still my dad and I still love you. But I dob't want to. I don't have it in me to keep getting my hopes up that maybe this time you'll be there and getting crushed when you're not. So I love you dad but I'm done wondering why I wasn't good enough for you. Why I'm still not good enough for you.