Spoken Word

I Should Be Dead

When I was 12 I tried to kill myself. I should have died. I wanted to die. When I didn't die everyone was so happy and telling me I should be happy that I was a success and that some people don't actually make it back. Except now I was in the weird place of figuring out who I was supposed to be. It'll be 7 years on Tuesday I'm 20 and in college and everyone is asking what my plans are for the future and I keep telling them I'm not sure yet because my plan was to be dead and rotting by now but I'm still living and I'm glad that I'm alive don't get me wrong I'm loving my life but I have no clue what to do with it because now I'm mourning and grieving for someone who never actually died. Not entirely anyway.

I'm mourning a 12-year-old who grew up way to fast and never got her childhood.

I'm mourning a 15-year-old trying to figure out how to function in a society as a broken girl when everyone else has forgotten her and moved on.

I'm mourning an 18-year-old fresh out of high school with no idea what to with this life she didn't want but has been forced to keep.

I'm mourning a 20-year-old college freshman who is putting on the best show of her life by pretending to be happy but inside she is still just that scared, broken, 12-year-old who doesn't want to be here. 

I am mourning for everyone like me who wanted and tried to die but never did. Society may forget us and move on but I never will. So here's to us. The broken, the suicidal, the depressed, the anxious, the one's who pretend. I don't know you but I empathize with you. You are strong, you are loved, you are brave, you can do this, I believe in you, and I'm so damn proud of you for waking up every day and just trying. 

I should have died. But I didn't, now I'm here writing this trying to figure how to be better. Maybe one day I will be...