I Live In A World...

I live in a world that has been nothing but cruel to me.

I live in a world that has been nothing but cruel to me. I have tried to be selfless by putting others before myself but it's not enough. I have tried to be kind to strangers but it's not enough. I have ignored my own need in order to tend to others. But it's not enough. And I keep thinking to myself, "When will it ever be enough? How far can i push myself until I snap?" I think everyone reaches a point in their life when that dark, quiet whisper hacking away at your mentality suddenly becomes very very loud. It becomes so loud that it drowns out the other voice telling you "Be a person of integrity" and "Love your neighbors." when your neighbors are the ones who've caused you the most pain. That's when doubt suddenly becomes real. It's no longer a feeling as it use to be during those trivial self-conflicts but it's a state of mind. A dangerous thought that runs through your head in an endless cycle that soon becomes unbearable and forces any sane human to crack. But then there are those who are... different. People who love their neighbors despite being forsaken by them. People who are kind to random strangers and yet still tend to their own happiness. I once met a man like that. He said that it was God, not him, who was amazing. "Are these people really like this because of their God? They must be crazy." I've told myself many times before. They listen for someone they may never hear. They believe in something they've never seen. They live by verses and scriptures, from an ancient book written by many men whom we've never met and have long since surrendered their ghosts, therefore ignorant to the sick world we now live in now. These Christians are convinced that these prophecies were originally spoken from the lips of the disciples of Christ and he himself, our "savior" and our "father". They even go as far as to say that they love someone they've never met. "How can you believe in something you've never seen?" was a question i often asked myself and at the time, I didn't know the answer. But now, years and years later as death seeks to satisfy it's insatiable appetite, as I lay on my deathbed, my consciousness slowly beginning to slip away, I realize I have long known the answer. It was something that I wasn't willing to accept a majority of my life. But now, even as I know my time is up, admitting to myself what I had known was true my whole life has made me happy. I'm filled with an unspeakable joy that others may question. That I, at one time, would've questioned myself. But the answer has no ties. It doesn't leave you wondering how it's possible once you accept it. And as I close my eyes and see a beautiful, warm smile, I allow myself to embrace the new, perfect, eternal life I've almost reached and the reality of the life that each person lives. Happiness isn't something yanked away from you by others. It's not unattainable or intangible. It's not decided by your actions or the actions of others and it's not only for certain people. It's a decision you make. And it's simple. Happiness belongs to everyone as long as your willing to have faith.