Escape from Planet Bossatron: A Septic Story

Screw You, Billy!

    The next day, the group was in Schneeplestein's truck once again, driving through the forest. Any sign of where Sam was would've been helpful, but that eyeball had really wanted to stay hidden.
    "So where exactly is Sam right now?" Jack asked as they drove. "Don't you guys know?"
    "No," Chase said, shaking his head. "There's no way to know for sure. Princess Selah only knows where to start, and you can see how just that's a problem. Especially since she told us not to come for her until after we get him. But what does she expect us to do? We might as well be coming for her bones by the time we find the little guy."
    "Oh don't say that!" Jackie exclaimed, covering his ears and shaking his head. "She'll be okay! She has to be!"
    Jack looked at Jackie curiously, recognizing Jackie's strange behavior at the mention of the princess again. Jack turned to Jameson who was right next to him.
    "What's up with him anyway?" Jack asked quietly. "Every time someone mentions Selah, JackieBoyMan looks about ready to cry."
"That's because JackieBoyMan has an enormous crush on Princess Selah. He just doesn't want to admit it. Even she can see it, though. I mean, it's not like out little superhero hides it that well."
    "And what does she think of that?" Jack questioned.
"Surprisingly, she think's it's adorable. I'm not sure about her feeling towards him, though. She's a lot better at shielding feelings like that than JackieBoyMan."
    "Ah," Jack said with a nod. "I see."
    "Princess Selah will be fine, JackieBoyMan," Marvin called over his shoulder at the superhero. "Chase is just messing with you like always. Don't let him get to you for the millionth time."
    "Vould you all schut up and try to sthink of places vhere Sam might've hidden himself?" Schneeplestein snapped back at his passengers.
    "Right," Chase said. "Sorry, Schneep."
    So for a while, they drove around, just trying to see if they would find any sign of where Sam could be. While they did that, they took to suggesting different places that Schneeplestein would quickly dismiss, finding the locations impossible as candidates.
    "This is way too hard," Jack said. "He's gotta be somewhere. He's an eyeball. Where would an eyeball even go to hide?"
    "Well," Jackie said, pointing at his own eye, "my eyes are inside my head, but we can rule that one out."
    Jackie then, coincidentally, poked himself in the eye after the car hit a bump in the road. "Ow!"
    "Maybe we should stop driving for a while and look around, doc," Marvin said. "We don't want to run out of petrol looking for something when we don't even know where it is. Plus, I wanna get up and stretch my legs."
    "Alvays complaining," Schneeplestein said, rolling his eyes. "But for vonce, I sthink you're right, Marvin."
    "F**k you, doc," Marvin said. "I'm always right!"
    The doctor stopped the car, and everyone got out of it to start looking around the area more. They all started to get ready to discuss when Chase saw something that interested him.
    "Whoa!" He exclaimed, starting to run a long way away from the others (this was definitely not going to go badly... no way at all).
    "Chase?" Jack called after him. "Chase, where the f**k are you going? Did you see something? Did you find Sam?"
    "Nah!" Chase yelled over his shoulder as he kept running. "I'm just checking out this cool-looking squirrel! It's really weird!"
    "Well he's easily distracted, isn't he?" Jack muttered to himself.
    "You're telling me, buddy," Schneeplestein said with a hopeless nod.
    "It does depend on the day, to be fair," Jackie pointed out.
    Finally, about twenty yards away, Chase stopped and crouched down next to a silver-tinged squirrel. It was certainly odd, but Jack didn't see why Chase needed to start running after it.
    "That's so cool," Chase said, looking at it curiously.
    Jameson adjusted his monocle to look at the squirrel more closely. Then, he whipped out his chalk and chalkboard and quickly scribbled something on it.
"Doctor, I'm not wrong about what kind of squirrel that is, am I?"
    Doctor Schneeplestein pulled out his glasses from his coat pocket and put them on. After a moment of looking at the squirrel, his shoulders slumped in what appeared to be both exhaustion and a loss for hope.
    "Zat's not good," the doctor observed.
    Jack noticed the danger in Schneeplestein's voice and turned back to look at Chase.
    "Chase!" He yelled. "Get away from there!"
    Chase didn't even seem to hear him. "Whoa, dude!" He exclaimed back at them as the "squirrel" began to climb up Chase's arm. "You guys gotta check this out!"
    Schneeplestein rolled his eyes and got back into the driver's seat of the car.
    "Get back in zee car!" He told the others. "Zis idiot has a f**king jiant on his arm!"
    "Oh shit," Jack muttered.
    "Wow," Jackie said with a laugh, shaking his head. "What a stup!"
    "Zee pot is calling zee kettle black," Schneeplestein sighed hopelessly.
"Agreed, my good doctor."
    Jack, Jackie, Marvin, and Jameson all got back into the car where they had sat before. Schneeplestein revved up the engine and started getting the car up to full speed.
    Jack stood up in the back of the car and cupped his hands as the doctor drove.
    "Chase move!" He shouted.
    "What?" Chase called back, looking confused.
    "Run away from that squirrel!" Jack yelled.
    "But, dude!" Chase frowned, looking down at the squirrel on his arm, "this is so cool! I've never seen a squirrel like this before!"
    "Zat is because it is not a squirrel, you dumbass!" Schneeplestein shouted from behind the wheel. "Zat kind of squirrel does not exist!"
    But at that point, it was too late. The squirrel quickly transformed into a huge giant, one that already had Chase by the legs. It stood up to full height, turned around, and began walking away with Chase hanging upside down in its hand. Jack sat down in his seat, horrified by how big the giant was.
    "Whoa!" Chase cried, hanging upside down. "That's not cool, man!"
    "I'll save him!" Jackie said, standing up in a heroic pose. "JackieBoyMan, AWA-!"
    SMACK!
    Jackie was hit square in the face by a low-hanging tree branch and flew off the back end of the car.
    "JackieBoyMan!" Jack said in surprise, looking back as Jackie rolled into the bushes on the side of the road.
    Schneeplestein wasn't happy.
    "F**king moron!" He exclaimed. "Jhack! Vee'll go get zee imbecile back zhere! You go get Brody!"
    "How am I supposed to do that without the car?" Jack exclaimed. "That giant's f**king huge!"
    "Oh you don't need the car!" Marvin said, waving Jack's thought away. "You just need it for the first part. Jameson, move up next to me. Jack, I hope you're unbuckled."
    "WHAT?" Jack shouted (he was unbuckled already, but he had planned on getting himself buckled).
    "Doctor," Marvin said, "when I tell you to stop the car, you stop the car!"
    "Understood," Schneeplestein nodded. "Zis had better vork!"
"Why do I have a feeling that it won't?"
    "Ready?" Marvin asked.
    "What?" Jack exclaimed. "No! Ready for what?"
    "One...," Marvin said, not hearing what Jack had said (or just not caring).
    "Wait, no!" Jack shouted.
    "... Two...,"
    "No, Marvin! Are you even listening to me?"
"You can guarantee that he isn't. Good luck, my good fellow!"
    "THREE! Stop doc!"
    Schneeplestein slammed on the brakes and at the same time, Jack felt something spring up underneath his seat, sending him forward, over the front of the car... and right down onto the ground only a few yards away.
    "F**king piece of shit!" Marvin exclaimed angrily, slamming his hands on the dashboard.
    "Jhack, my friend!" Schneeplestein exclaimed, standing up and looking over the windshield at Jack on the ground. "Buddy, are you okay?"
"I'd be surprised if he was after that little escapade."
    Jack groaned and rolled onto his back. He gave a weak thumbs up.
    "Yeah," he moaned. "I'm okay."
    "Okay zen," Schneeplestein said, sighing with relief. Then his demeanor immediately changed as he hit Marvin upside the head.
    "Ow!" Marvin exclaimed in protest.
    "You mozerf**king cat man!" Schneeplestein scolded. "You almost hurt Jhack! You and your stupid magic contraptions!"
    "It's worked before!" Marvin snapped angrily. "What's the matter with this damn thing?"
    "Vell it vas years ago vhen vee last used it, vasn't it?" Schneeplestein said angrily. Then he turned to Jack with a worried look on his face. "Jhack, vhenever you sthink you can, go get Brody. Vee'll come back for you!"
    "Okay," Jack moaned, pushing himself to his feet. "Whatever you say, doc."
    "As for you, Marvin zee Moron," Schneeplestein said, "prepare to release zat cat of yours!"
"Oh please, not the cat! My allergies, gentlemen!"
    "Schut up, you!" Schneeplestein snapped.
    Marvin gave Schneeplestein an angry look through his mask as Schneeplestein turned the car around to go get Jackie.
    Meanwhile, Jack turned back around to hopelessly look at his task. Chase was still being carried away by the giant and was already pretty far away.
    "Crap," he said, starting to run after the giant. Each step by the giant took Jack back at least ten extra yards. He couldn't do this; there was just no way that he would be able to catch up. He was going to have to make the giant stop somehow in order for him to actually catch up.
    Then, Jack actually looked up at the giant and saw that the giant was wearing green shorts and an orange t-shirt. Jack's jaw dropped as he ran.
    "BILLY?" He exclaimed, shocked.
    The giant paused for a moment on (probably barely) hearing Jack. No doubt about it; it was Billy...
    But that didn't even make any sense. Billy was a video game character. And even if this was Billy, how would Jack have known him?
    "Okay," Jack said, still running, "holy shit."
    "Jack, help!" Chase yelled as he dangled in Billy's grasp. "Billy hates us so much! God only knows what he's gonna do to me! The last time we managed to kill him seems to have pissed him off!"
    "The last time...?" Jack muttered to himself. He shook the ridiculousness out of his head, deciding it wasn't worth it to brood on it for too long. Then, he yelled back up to Chase, "Chase, hold on! I'm coming!"
    But as he got closer to Chase and Billy, Jack was suddenly faced with a dilemma: what was he actually gonna do once he reached Chase and Billy...?
    But he soon found that he didn't have to worry about that because the next thing he knew, out of the trees ahead of him came a man on a segway and a woman with green-tipped, brown hair riding along with him.
    "Go, Steve, go!" The girl shouted.
    "I'm going as fast as I can, your highness!" The man called Steve called back.
    "Chase, hold on!" The girl yelled up.
    "Princess Selah?" Chase shouted down, incredulous.
    "Selah?" Jack repeated, slowing down a little bit to stare at the two on the segway.
    Then, there was a loud "meow" as a pony-sized, fluffy white cat (with green ears and playing card symbols on its forehead) came bounding up beside Jack. Jack, realizing that this was most likely his ride, grabbed the cat's fur and jumped onto its back. The cat sped up to get even with the segway. Of course, by the time they had caught up with it, Selah was already gone.
    She had shot a crossbow (with a string attached to it) at Billy's left shoulder and had proceeded to swing up to the giant's fist where Chase was. Then, she proceeded to try and pull Chase out. She soon found that it was no use.
    "Ugh!" She shouted in frustration. That's when she looked down and saw Jack. Her eyes widened.
    "JACK!" She exclaimed. "YOU'RE HERE!"
    "Selah, watch out!" Jack shouted, pointing at Billy's other hand, which was reaching for her.
    Selah quickly jumped up and onto that arm and started to run up it. She tried shooting arrows at Billy's head, but they didn't seem to do anything. Then, she pulled something out of her belt.
    "Jack!" She called, tossing it down to him. "Catch!"
    Jack barely made the catch, but he caught what she had thrown down. It was some sort of wrist band or cuff that had an empty screen on it. Jack, confused, snapped the cuff onto his wrist, and a small green button lit up.
    "Press the button!" Steve ordered from his segway.
    So Jack did what he was asked and suddenly, there was a sword that had materialized in his hand. Jack looked at it in awe, then looked back at Steve.
    "What the f**k do I do with this?" He shouted.
    "You know what to do!" Selah called down to him, still trying to nail Billy in the eye with her crossbow. "Sword throw!"
    Jack looked at the sword and suddenly smiled, remembering Happy Wheels.
    "Oh!" He said, understanding. He looked down at the cat and saw that its collar said "Mr. Fluffington."
    "Alright then, Mr. Fluffington," Jack said, pulling the collar a little bit to make the cat turn around, "let's go do a sword throw."
    The cat turned around and ran back about twenty yards. Then, it turned back to face the giant. The cat started to sprint towards the giant Billy, and as it did so, Jack prepared to throw the sword.
    "Here goes f**kin nothin," Jack muttered to himself. "Okay, Mr. Fluffington, stop!"
    The cat skidded to a halt and at the same time, Jack pushed upward with his legs and threw the sword as hard as he could. The sword flew a moment... then lodged only in Billy's knee.
    Jack's shoulders slumped. That hadn't gone according to plan.
    "F**k," He sighed.
    "Um, okay," Selah said uncertainly, jumping out of the way as Billy tried to punch her with Chase in that same fist.
    "WHHHHOOOOOOAAA!" Chase yelled as he moved. "I think I'm gonna be sick!"
    "New idea, Jack!" Selah said. "Colossus time!"
    Jack smirked nervously. Well, he guessed that it was time to do what he had always wanted to ever since he first played his favorite game: kill a Colossus.
    "Go, Mr. Fluffington," he said. "Let's get to that giant."
    So Mr. Fluffington started to sprint towards Billy again. And as the cat did so, the screen on Jack's cuff flickered to life. As it focused, Jack immediately noticed the face that appeared on it.
    "EVIE!" He shouted, horrified.
    "Oh not this again!" Steve moaned, face-palming.
    "Nice to see you again, Sean," Evie said in her bot-like voice (pronouncing Sean incorrectly, as she did).
    "Oh f**k me!" Jack exclaimed.
    "Do not change the subject," Evie said, winking at him.
    "Stop winking at me!" Jack shouted at her, the terrible (though still fun) memories flooding back to him.
    "Jack, stop fighting with Evie and get up here!" Selah called down to him.
    "Alright, Sean," Evie said, "what do you need to do?"
    "I need to climb a motherf**king giant," Jack snapped. "What does it look like I need to do? Can you help me with that?"
    "Of course I can," Evie said. "Just push the blue button, and we can get started."
    Jack found the blue button and hesitantly pushed it. Then, a sword (the same one that had been lodged in Billy's knee a moment before) with a string attached to it shot out of the cuff on Jack's wrist and hit Billy in the arm next to Selah's arrow. Once the sword had hit its mark, Jack felt the string tighten and start to pull him up after the sword.
    "WHOA!" Jack shouted as the string pulled him towards Billy.
    "What is wrong, Sean?" Evie asked    .
    "What do you mean, what is f**king wrong?" Jack exclaimed as he landed on Billy's arm.
    "You were screaming," Evie observed.
    "Yeah, because... you know what? Never mind! God, I did not miss you!"
    "Yes, you did," Evie said with her dumb smile.
    Jack didn't even bother to try and tell her otherwise. He knew it would be fruitless. I mean, this was Evie we're talking about, so he was probably right.
    Jack pressed the red button again and got out another sword (actually, it was still the same one, but Jack didn't know that yet). Then, like he had seen (and played) in the Shadow of the Colossus, Jack started climbing up Billy's head using the giant's hair.
    Now, when Jack had played the game, he had thought that the controls had been a little harsh, but they were pretty close to life now that he was actually doing it. As soon as Jack started pulling on Billy's hair, the giant started to shake, trying to throw Jack off.
    "OOOOOOHHHH F**K!" Jack yelled, trying very hard to hold on and not to look down.
    "Jack!" Selah exclaimed. "Hold on!"
    "I'm f**king trying!" Jack said, straining to keep himself up. "This is harder than it looks!"
    "Hang on, I'll distract him!" Selah said. Then she started firing her crossbow again.
    This kind've helped with the shaking problem, but not a lot. Jack tried to pick up the pace with his climbing, trying hard (again) to not look down. He knew that he wouldn't like what he was going to see.
    Finally, after many agonizing minutes of climbing, Jack finally made it (shakily) to the top of Billy's head. He crouched low to stay on top and waited a moment to get his bearings (the climb alone had been an ordeal).
    "The sweet spot should be right at his crown, Sean," Evie said from her screen.
    Jack nodded, not sure if he should try to talk. He was a bit afraid that he might throw up. He then carefully crept through the giant's light brown hair until he was right over its forehead. Then, he stood up and raised the sword above his head. Then, as he swung down, he let out a yell (mostly he did it because it sounded badass, but some of it was to relieve stress).
    The sword was plunged into Billy's head and blood immediately started to ooze out of it. Billy suddenly froze stiff, and then Jack started to feel the giant lean towards the side.
    Billy's grasp on Chase loosened, and he started falling. He thankfully didn't get far before Selah caught him though. Then, she looked up at Jack on Billy's head.
    "Come on, Jack jump!" She exclaimed. "I know that you don't like it, but just jump to me! I got you!"
    Jack hesitated a moment, his head pounding and his legs shaking.
    "Jump now!" Selah shouted.
    So, looking at Selah only, Jack jumped, yelling as he fell towards the princess. Selah caught him by the arms and then let go of one of them to grab the string that was still in her crossbow.
    "Chase," she said, "just hold onto me."
    "Okay, dude," Chase said, bending over and wrapping his arms around Selah's waist.
    "Dude, seriously?" Jack questioned him. "That's not even efficient!"
    "Sorry," Chase said, going to Selah's neck instead.
    "Jack," Selah said with a smile, "don't you worry about holding on. I gotcha."
    Selah wrapped her free arm around Jack's waist and then jumped.
    "AAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Jack and Chase yelled together as the three of them all fell.
    Jack closed his eyes, not daring to see the ground flying towards him.
    Then, the rope suddenly slackened, and Jack felt his feet slowly hit the ground. He opened his eyes and he, Chase, and Selah were all on the ground, safe and sound.
    Chase fell to his knees immediately and began to throw up. Steve sighed and shook his head.
    "F**king perfect," he said.
    Selah punched Jack's shoulder lightly as Billy finished falling onto the ground next to them.
    "Not bad for being out of practice for over thirty years," Selah told him with a smirk.
    Jack just nodded and looked back at the fallen giant.
    "Screw you, Billy," he said, breathing hard.