grief is my friend.

Few years later

So I thought I'd skip since I'm not hear to tell you what happened to my relationship which hit the bottom and fizzed to the ground.... yep so I'd stopped dating for a bit got into some horrid relationship after Paul spent 4 years in it... I know wow.... I had been talking to a guy on the Internet we had been friends since I was 15. And we had planned to meet in person as we only seen each other on camera. Everything was set his car for him to arrive few days before my birthday and then after he had gone home me and my girls were gonna go for a night out a few days before my birthday the dude had chicken outed ruined all my plans  everyone had plans on my birthday as they based around this guy Mike coming so I get birthday wishes and happy birthday.. then out of nowhere this message comes up. It's Damien  saying happy birthday I was shocked... and respond with thank you. He asked if I had plans I said  no what was the worse that could happen... I got there standing outside Alexander park in the dark for 10 minutes. I rang his phone no answer suddenly I hear a voice behind me hello birthday girl he's drunk and kisses my face. I,my slightly confused but walk with him anyway. We go to he's where he offered me to watch a movie and drink with him , I belive the film was the watchmen? I'd never seen it . So I started watching while drinking my drink he had bought, I feel his eyes staring my heart was pounding out of chest. And he did a cheesy arm over me and pulled me closer, kinda like my head on his lap lol. He eventually lifted my head up and kissed me alcohol and birthday oh well couldn't get any worse could it. Soo I'm sure you can imagine what happened. We laid there and with my heart in my chest I asked the dreaded question. Don't you erm hate me? He replied no not at all complete oppersite really. So I continued to ask more he told he belived what me and Paul had looked perfect and he wanted it. And he stared at me because I was beautiful. ( not that I will ever know if that true)   so after that I left in the morning he had his daughter to pick up and I had mine to go back to. Few days later we started talking a lot more. He would shut me out a bit. But after some time he could help but tell me all that was bothering him this pain, of feeling worthless and less or even below everyone. I couldn't believe some of the stuff he told me and with each painful thing he told me I started to build and emotional connection, oringally I just wanted to be his friend. But he told me he drink to sleep because he  couldn't sleep properly. After few talks we turn into soppy idiots, but just like happy times they always go bad.. so he stopped talking for a month.. and I'd message him but he wouldn't reply. Couple of days past by and he finally messaged with an apology. Saying he cared what people think? ( I always thought that was because people didn't like me)   he said he wanted me.  So we tried and once again he shut off,  he said there be days where I won't speak to you. And unfortunately I'm understand but also I couldn't do it I couldn't wait.. one day while I was  working he message me saying I can't do this and ended it. I felt my stomach churn.... I cried..