grief is my friend.

only nightmares can hurt

So I'd been home few hours and I'd messaged but no reply the next day he updated he's stays it was huge and kinda a rant. I just thought I speak to him later as I had a few things to do.. like clean the house shopping, and few other social activities of mine and I went for a walk. When I fancied a bit of air. Picked up my daughter from school  Got home made dinner and I fell asleep. The next morning I got up rushed out the door to get my daughter to school overslept and I had an appointment at the job centre. So got ready did my hair and brushes all the knots out and did my awake face makeup. Called a cab and jumped into it got out at the job centre and lit a ciggerette and had smoke since I had some time to spare I walked waiting for them to call  me when I thought let me just browse Facebook. I'm seeing pictures of Damien. I'm like did he go our last night and I kept looking as status apon status appreciated till I saw it RIP Damien just as I read it my names was called the women was talking but u couldn't hear anything she was saying my heart felt like it shattered tears were about to steamed down my face when I finally heard her say are you okay. I just knoded and she said well that all you need and I set up another appointment I got out there and cried I wanted to scream or cry to someone so u phoned my best friend and told her she asked if I was okay then I cried more to my mum.. then there my other friend the eagle I call him and I cried he seemed calm but there.. and then that's when the darkness came... I literally felt like a ton of breaks landed in my chest. I didn't want to go out. I just wanted to get piece of him which I didn't have any because no one knew.. I just stopped and lost track of days became miserable feeling less... few weeks later I tried hide my pain with bad dark humour. Didn't work and to makes things worse. Things in my personal life happened where I thought I was about lose another person  there was a funeral and wake planned.... I wasn't going to go to either as I assumed I wasn't welcome and he's wake was on my daughter birthday. My stepmum told me to go to the funeral or I'd regret it so she came with me, and as they chose a few songs one of them hit me it was lion king one. And I cried more than I ever cried I felt like I was collapsing.. like I couldn't belive it I didn't want to believe it.... I tried to go out a bit more didn't work.. then Paul came to apart ally be thee for me what a fool I was nope I hadn't touched or Been near a guy for 3 months and he used as a guilty grief tray.. and played with my emotions. I knew he was grieving too but that was soo uncool since didn't mention even know me  and Paul dated we became great friend till  now where I don't really know if the Paul I knew exists anymore... but any way from that day I knew my life had changed I had nothing to give me closure. I had thoughts running round my head... why! . So this all happened in 2018 it's now 2019 I'm still see flashes of him.. I have pictures and memory but  sometimes I believe he really was for I haven't felt for someone since... and I'm currently seeing someone now who knows my grief. It's given me a lot of time to rethink myself but why do I feel like I'm missing something.. I can't feel the same connection to anyone that I did with him... I hear  he's silly jokes in my head.. when I'm sad I get the memory of the seagulls song. That he sang which got stuck in my head for days .