distance

dumb dumb

[30.12.18]

we both know that there is more to us than friendship and we're both at the stage wherein we have deep conversation at 4 am in the morning, hand touches skin with lingering touches and it feels..overwhelming. it feels great. that my heart beats irregular when you look at me like i'm the most beautiful creature you've seen in this whole world. and i look at you the same 'cause you are truly beautiful, amazing. and every time we see it's each other i can't help but to plaster a huge grin on my face, like i'm at the top of the world when you mirror the act. it's very nice to hear that we have the mutual feelings with each other, that we like each other.

and sometimes in the night when i toss and turn unable to sleep, you invade my mind and it's unbearable to get you out; howbeit my eye bags grow larger and i lack sleep, it's fine, as long as it's you. you keep me insane yet sane at the same time. how ironic.

i question if what we have was more than an infatuation because i can say i'm one of those people as well. they ask if we're officially together and assume so. that there's label between us. and i deny and disagree with hesitance..because that's only us...

yet.

you hold my hand with such calmness, delicateness. soothing me but there's like a bomb inside my chest ready to explode by your touches, it's always like this; and maybe you're planning on making me used to it. i don't know if this is what the people who felt, the people who describes that this feeling...is love. i disagree because you are the love. my love.

the love i've been wishing to call mine.

you are a smart girl. you know i say 'i love you' with my eyes. i'm sorry if this is the way of communication i can only let on as of the moment, i really don't know what's holding me back.

the occurrence of freudian slip. i remembered saying the three words to you back then. i was young and naive. i didn't know what to do, nor to feel. i was behind you, holding your shoulders when those slipped out my lips. i didn't know where the confidence came from. i wouldn't ask where did it came from, people with logic probably knows where it resided. i didn't got any reaction. i don't know if you heard it and chose to ignore it; i don't know if you still remember it.

i told you it was about first approaches. like a board game where two players take turns in moving their chess pieces on the squares. and maybe i was blinded; by your beautiful stare and i'm absentminded and maybe you are too, that we don't know whose turn is next.

but (let me say this now), love, i dislike comparing love with games. because your feelings are not a toy, most especially your self-being. because your are beyond that. and i'm fucking in love with you.

in love with whatever you do. i love you for who you are. i love you.

but i don't know what's holding me back. if i'm scared or unprepared. i don't know a lot of things but i know that i love you. but i can't seem to say it yet.

and maybe you love me too; but with the same boundary to deliver to me.

you're a smart girl. you know i say 'i love you' with my eyes.

but maybe, you aren't smart as i think you are.

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this was supposed to be a thread on twitter but sadly it got deleted :( so i repeated this beaut thing again. i can tell it's worth it.