Religious Texts

A Tale of Fish Sticks

So, basically, Ellen was out chillin' in the god plane. It's got a whole bunch of names like Asgard, Aetherius (sort of), Olympus, et cetera. However, in this here religion, it's called That Gay House Near The Westboro Baptist Church. However, since that name's too long, I'm just calling it the god plane.
Don't like it? Eat some cement and toughen up, princess. This is prison, bitch.
I did say I should watch OITNB less, didn't I?
This was the day when Ellen was like "y'know, I should probably have a tournament with some of the other gods cause I'm bored." So, that's what she did.
From the ground was a raised a giant grey sphere, which Ellen just kinda plopped down next to Earth for some reason. Here the gods gathered for the great tournament of greatness and gay. There was but one rule: be the gayest of the gayest of the gays. They didn't need rules for safety and shit cause, come on, they're gods.
Lea Delaria, god of standup, volunteered to fight in the first round and was pitted against Sappho, the lesbian god of poetry. Lea readied her mighty screwdriver and charged.
"Neither with care, dread mistress, nor with anguish,
Slay thou my spirit!" Her voice instantly caused Lea to stop in her tracks and begin to cry. After a moment, she shook her head and brought forward her second weapon. She began to scat in a swing rhythm, steadily approaching Sappho. But Sappho barely even stiffened before she delivered her second blow.
"'I'm not pretending I wish I were dead,'
She was leaving me in tears,
And over and over she said to me:
'Sappho, it hurts; what's happening to us is just so grim
It isn't my choice, I swear it, to leave me like this.'" Lea was once again stopped, her beautiful singing now replaced with a few quiet sobs. Sappho just smiled like some sociopath and delivered the final blow.
"I would rather see her lovely step,
And the radiant sparkle of her face,
Than all the war chariots in Lydia,
And soldiers battling in arms."
F A T A L I T Y
Except not, because they're gods.
The tournament went on like this until the only ones left were Ellen and Hayley Kiyoko. The lesbian god versus the lesbian Jesus.
No one knows how that fight went, though. I've heard there was some dancing and some singing and some cats or something. It was too beautiful to comprehend. It did end the dinosaurs though, so there is that.
Neither won, in the end. Their battle went on for about a 10, 000 years before they got bored and decided to do something else.
Yeah, I don't know how they got bored so fast, either...
Just realised this had nothing to do with fish sticks...
Uh, Lea Delaria ate some fish sticks after losing