Religious Texts

The Lesbian Gods

The lesbian religion is the best damn religion ever. I'm obviously a dedicated follower.
What do you mean I'm bisexual? Shut up about that! It's hush hush, alright?
Anyway, the religion of the lesbians.
Since lesbians can be very dangerous, their religion reflects this by having their gods and religious leaders be extremely soft and tolerant. Yup, that's how that works. Yeah, I don't know why either.
Lesbians?

God of Lesbian Gods
Let's begin with the gods.
So, obviously, the god of the lesbian gods is Ellen DeGeneres, who has chosen to walk among mortals in the modern day. She made the world aware of her lesbianism in a time when it was needed so that the mortal lesbians could show the world their true and very gay colours. Plus, she's 60 and she's still hot.
Good work, Ellen.

Lesbian Jesus
The "Lesbian Jesus" goes by Hayley Kiyoko and also exists in our modern world. However, she came into godhood at a much later time than Ellen and thus, is still climbing the ranking ladder of godhood. She's the icon of the young lesbians and has used her power for many things including renaming 2018 "20gayteen" and reaching 100 million views on her 15/10 music video "Girls Like Girls."
The skies are clear because Hayley Kiyoko.

God of Literature
The lesbian god of literature is Patricia Highsmith, who is supported by a pantheon of ascended lesbian writers. She often works with Virginia Woolf, the bisexual goddess of literature. Patricia is the lesbian god of literature because she generally wrote very mainstream books, so she acted as a "normal" person. Also, she blessed us with Carol (or The Price of Salt as it was originally known) so how could she not be the lesbian god of literature? She's the reasons we have a canonically gay Cate Blanchett.
"Misogynistic Lesbian" my ass.

The God of Being Expressionless but Also Hot Somehow
The lesbian god of being expressionless but also hot somehow is Kristen Stewart. We're not really sure what her purpose is but it's fun to make memes of her(?). Also, she's fun to look at so... (Shrugs). Lesbian god? She gets a pass cause she has the same personality type as me, anyway.
Might have no visible emotions but still a god.

The God of Watching Shitty Content for Minor Representation
The lesbian god of watching shitty content for a little representation is known most simply as Lost Girl. If you've seen it, you know what I mean. Plus, we all watch complete trash for the gay. I mean, I probably wouldn't even have known about Lost Girl if I had been born a straight or a straight-leaning bisexual but no, we's a very very very gay bi bi bi so we've seen it. It was awful.
Lesbians are hot, trashy shows are not (but we're gonna watch them anyway).

The God of Watching Good Content for Representation
Her name is Carmilla. She is beautiful. I'm a cream puff. My name is Noot.

The God of Memes
The God of Memes is Saddy. Go follow her twitter @sapphicaptain
She's a meme kween. Even Lesbian Jesus thinks she's funny. I'm not even kidding. It was a monumental moment in history.

The God of Famous Straya
The next god be the god of famous Straya. I love this sunburnt country but that doesn't mean I understand why every famous Aussie is from Western Australia. It has a population of, like, two and both of them are famous. Well, guess what, I found me a god that's famous, gay, Australian and isn't from Western Australia!
Anyway, it's Ruby Rose. Before the straights come for me, she was the lesbians' first so you better back off real quick. We have stone butches on our side.

God of Why Are You Straight My Gay Ass Doesn't Understand
Cate Blanchett. I think we all understand that one.
If you haven't seen Carol then you don't know what it is to live.

There's a bunch more minor gods and Demi-gods but ain't nobody got time for that and also, ya girl don't know everything. I need to stop watching OITNB before my grammar goes to complete shit, I swear.
You might be expecting me to be my regular self-obsessed self and proclaim myself a god but you'd be wrong this time.
Not because I'm not self-obsessed enough to proclaim myself a god. I'm just not a lesbian or hot enough to fall under one of the categories of "fuck you" like Cate Blanchett. (Why must she be so perfect?)