Behind my smile (UNDER EDITING.)

Behind my smile (5)

~note to self: nobody is worth stressing over. move on. It's okay to leave people behind. Go find yourself. The world is yours.life goes on".

A couple of days later-

•••

I'm sitting on my bed watching some old YouTube videos of Caleb, we we're so happy...what happened? My family wasn't like this. They didn't care about views and money. Annie. They treated us all equal, why is it right after Caleb dies I'm just not here. I don't belong, that's how I feel. I feel so out of the world, why am I here?

That's a question that keeps popping up, it keeps haunting me over and over again and it just hurts. It hurts so many people don't understand, I don't understand. "Hayley you alright in there?".

"Yes" I yell back at my mum, she doesn't answer me back and I sigh shutting my laptop off. Annie went on a school trip, so I thought I would have at least some love. But I didn't.

Obviously, why would I? Since when did I, it's never about you Hayley stop being stupid. It will never be about you, ever. "I hate me".

I stay Silent shutting my eyes, I sat on my bed literally the only noise is my heavy breathing as I try and hold back the tears as horrible thoughts running through my mind.

It'll be alright. I know you love her but-

My phone goes off, I huff and open it a video call from Annie. I answer it plastering a fake smile on my ugly face, "Hey!".

"Hi!" Annie says a smile on her f
Beautiful face, she turns her head and calls out for someone Hayden appears smirking at me. "Hey, hay".

I wave at him, what an idiot. But I love him, he gets me. He never lets me feel left out when he's with Annie and her friends, he includes me. So does Carson, but we're not talking about him. "Hi" I whisper, I can't speak, " can I call you tomorrow?".

"Uh, why? You okay you seem-".

"I'm fine"

She nods her head slowly, Hayden stares at me through the screen his smirk vanished. Here's the thing, I don't want to tell people what's up, because it upsets them and ruins there day.

I'm always ruining it for everyone, and I just don't want that to happen right now so I'm just..being fine even though I'm not.

Even though I cry myself to sleep, I throw up every morning I have nightmares every night and they seem to get worse, Caleb doesn't talk to me he talks about me and pretends I'm not standing there and death all on my family I watch them die.

I shake off the nightmare I had, really bad ones I've been having lately and they all seem to be about death. "Okay bye hay" she ends the video call before even letting my reply, not like I was going to.

Message from Hayden...

Hey, hey! You sure you're okay? You seemed really upset What's up?

>> to Hayden.

What? no, I'm fine it's all good just tired and stressed about school don't worry about me.