Behind my smile (UNDER EDITING.)

Behind my smile (7)

- have you ever been so sad that it physically hurts?-

"Feeling absolutely nothing is worse than feeling something"
- _yellowshister..and Hayley leblanc in the book :) :(

••••

I sigh, unclenching my eyes should I do it? What if i regret everything. But I'm hurting so much, what if I do it and see the blood coming wouldn't it..be less painful? My hand tighten around the blade as I push it near my skin.

I'm going to do it.

But I'm not weak, I shouldn't be doing this I have fans..What if they see? There like detectives it's kind of scary how they find things out. But if they do see it, they know I'm screaming out for help.

I could just tell my parents that I'm not okay and that I need help, but the we'll judge me and make me feel broken..like I'm a broken doll who needs attention and I don't want that!
"I don't know what to do" I whisper.

It might make me feel better, that's what everyone says in movies. It makes them feel better. I might not regret this, but I'm going to have to hide it from my parents.

Shutting my eyes once again, I push the blade into my skin, making me wince as i drop it on the floor making it do a loud noise. The blood spreading round my arms mods quickly than I thought, some even dropped on the floor.

"Hayley?Hayley! Are you okay what was that" I hear my mum yell as she enters the toielt the camera in her hand recording, it felt like everything was going slow motion. I drop to the floor as I hear my mum screaming in terror as the blood spreads.

I'm just sitting there, I can't feel anything I feel numb..nothing..empty. ignoring my mum shouting for my dad to come, I stay sitting on the cold floor. "H-hayely..What have you done?! Oh my god BILLY COME HERE! GET THE MEDICAL KIT!"

My mum sits down next to me, as she tries to pull me up so I put my hand under the water, but I shake my head at her. "I don't want to. Let me go"

Her eyes widen as she clearly looks angry and sad, she just saw her daughter slit her arms. My mum starts shouting at me as my lips tremble and I cover my ears with my hands. "Hayley!listen to me why the hell did you do that? Are you crazy? Imagine what everyone is going to say about   me and you're father!".

Is that all she cares about? What everyone thinks and not why I did it? Can't I have someone who cares about me..just one person? I'm so tierd of everyone thinking I have to be the strong happy one although I'm not. I need someone to help me, the screams every morning how can no one hear me? How can they not hear me throw up the food I ate, how can't they notice my red puffy eyes? I need help.

"Why don't you think about other people? I can't take you to the hospital they'll notice who you are and well get exposed for bieng bad parents! You're so stupid-".

"Shut up! Why don't you just shut up for one second? Not everything is about you! I wasn't bieng selfish. I'm Not you're daughter right? Why should you care! I don't want you to care." I pause and look down at my wrist as I let the blood flow out, I don't care anymore. " have you ever thought, maybe just maybe she has a reason?maybe just maybe she was calling out for help and I didn't notice? Oh and...you dont have to try to be a bad parent mother" I spit the last word like it was poison in my mouth.