The Bully, My Lover ✭ NCT boyxboy #taewoo [COMPLETED]

16 - note

A/N: Suicide trigger warning.

Taeyong's POV

"Is Jungwoo here?" I asked politely when the door opened.

I immediately noticed his father's tear stained cheeks and took a step back.

"Are y-you Taeyong?" he asked with a croaky voice before I could say anything.

"Y-yes, is everything okay?"

He reached to the side and picked up a piece of paper before holding it out to me. I looked up at him with wide eyes, unsure of what to make of the dark atmosphere that was suffocating me.

I shakily took the note from his father's hands and took a deep breath before opening it.

Tae

I'm so pathetic because I don't have the guts to say goodbye to you face to face. I wanted so badly to tell you that I loved you, with my whole heart... but I just couldn't. I was lonely, no one understood me, you were the only one who came close to being the one I could trust. I'm sorry for not saying more to you when I had the chance, but I hope you can move on from me and be your awesome self, just like you were before I entered your life.

Since I won't be able to see your reaction to what I'm writing I'm just going to write everything. I am struggling with depression, my family treated me like crap because I was never good enough. So I started acting out. I started to drink, I became bulimic because I was called fat by my own mother. I started fights on purpose just to get attention, as I wasn't getting any at home. Then I moved schools, I saw you and knew I'd never be good enough for you so I started to bully you. I hated you for being so perfect, I hated not knowing what you were thinking and now I hate myself for bullying you. I thought I'd feel better about myself if I made you feel like crap, but it only made it worse. I spent nights crying myself to sleep wishing I could tell you the truth, but life felt hopeless.

Maybe if I was strong enough I wouldn't be thinking of ending my life right now, but I've done too much damage for me to change my mind. I don't feel anything any more, I can't wait to leave this horrible life behind. The only thing I'll miss is you.

I wish things could have been different, despite it being sort of okay in the end. I love you.

Your lover, Jungwoo.

I let out a strangled cry and fell to the ground.

"This can't be true." I whispered as tears ran down my cheeks, I refused to believe he was dead.

"I didn't know this would happen, I didn't realise Jungwoo felt so much pressure from myself and his mother." his father cried.

"When?" I raised my eyes to his father who had bent down to attempt to comfort me, despite being in bad shape himself.

"Last night." he confirmed.

I sobbed even harder and crumbled the paper in my hands. Last night, when I'd been preparing for my last exam, when I'd been deciding what to wear and what to do with Jungwoo afterwards.

I shook my head in disbelief.

Why? I thought he had been happy, the past month at least he had opened up to me slightly. I had been so happy that he'd accepted me into his life, but now he was... gone.

I stood up shakily and bowed to his father before walking away. I left the flowers lying where I'd dropped down to the floor, I didn't have any use for them now.

I locked myself in my room as soon as I got home. The tears just kept running and running, I curled up on my bed and wrapped my arms around my knees. I ignored the knocks on my door and didn't bother to tell my mother that I was alright, because I wasn't.

Jungwoo was gone. I would never see his smile or his laugh again. Heck, I even missed his harsh remarks, I remember I still liked him back then despite his words towards me. I would never hold it against him.

My pillow was becoming uncomfortably damp now from all the tears and other fluids that were spreading on the material but I didn't move, I didn't deserve to be comfortable when I hadn't been able to prevent his death.

"I'm dreaming right?" I whispered and pinched myself.

It hurt.

"No, I'm definitely dreaming. I feel pain in my dreams too... so I'll just wake up and everything will be fine." I closed my eyes and waited for the darkness to take me.

Except, the darkness never came. I was still lying in the same position hours later, my body was aching and my eyes were swollen from all the tears.

I sat up slowly and blankly looked at the abandoned note on the floor. That damn note, I wish I'd never read it. That way I wouldn't have known Jungwoo loved me, and I wouldn't feel as bad.

I screamed loudly, my hands clenching into fists and I punched the wall as hard as I could. I barely felt the pain as the adrenaline was running fast through my veins. I was mad, so fucking mad that I hadn't done something to stop him. I should have known. I should have seen some signs that he wasn't stable.

I angrily reached down and ripped up the note, letting the slithers of paper fall to the floor. My tears started again and I fell to the floor beside the papers and collected them up hurriedly before rushing to my desk and using tape to stick the pieces back together.

I couldn't lose the last thing Jungwoo gave to me, even if it was just a note.