Hey guys.
I know it's been a while since I updated on this thing. Well, on any book really. Life has been so crazy. I'm trying to juggle senior year, my mental health, my social life, and other things. It's taking a toll.
I just wanted to say. Life gets better. I know it's a cliche thing that everyone has heard and they're tired of hearing it. 'They don't know my life.' You don't want to hear that because things seem impossible right now. I know. I feel that way too some times. But less so than I used to.
I couldn't sleep last night. I was up til six am. Around four, I wrote a note to my best friend. A note turned into a paragraph. I told him that I was so grateful to have him as a friend and how much I loved him. I told him that a person as caring and sweet as him couldn't be real. That the gentle way he handled me and never made me feel stupid or ashamed meant he would make an amazing psychologist when he graduated. That I couldn't wait to see and hug him and prove to myself he's actually real. That he's the reason I'm still alive. That I made it to 18. That I'll make it to graduation.
Finally, I ended the note by saying that I loved him and wish him a good nights sleep. I told the nightmares to leave him alone. He doesn't deserve that.
When he woke up, he said that was one of the nicest things that anyone had ever said to him. He said he truly appreciated it. I said you're welcome then asked if he remembered the nights when I stayed up til four or five thinking of taking my own life. When I tried in vain to give myself reasons not to. I then said I liked spending that time appreciated my friends better. He told me that I've come a long way in two or three years and that he's proud of me.
I might have come a long way, but I've still got a longer way to go. But thanks to him, I'm going to make it to college where I can get professional help. There are still nights I cut and think about suicide. But they're fewer now.
The moral of the story is that it does get better. Slowly, but it does. You just have to find the person that you can turn to for help. Find your Tristan. The person you can tell anything, judgement-free.
