Silver

Chapter 55 - then

My life turned into a drag, every hour felt like a whole day. I took Monday off school because I was so tired and worn out. Alistair didn't even ask me where I was Saturday night. I didn't even need to lie to him, because he cared so little. I spent all of Monday in bed, my heart playing a lonely love song. I raised up images from the weekend and recalled Jarvis's heartfelt words. But I felt a deep open wound bleeding for him.

He wrote to me on Tuesday, 'Got back okay. All is fine. I miss you disastrously. I'll work out a way to see you again soon. Words cannot express how I feel. But let's be careful.'

I wrote back to him straight away, 'I miss you so much too. But glad all is okay. I'll wait for more news. I love you miraculously.'

The days folded into each other, like origami, biting at me, holding me hostage. There was no joy to be found in my ordinary life, school was dull, home was bleak, even dinner with my family on Friday night was flat. Drops of black ink bled into my world, changing the colour of everything to monotone.

The following Saturday I invited Millie and Jason around for dinner.

The night before I spoke to Alistair through his closed door, 'I'll cook and do everything. You don't have to do a thing. Just be there.'

When they arrived, I was flustered. I'd spent the whole day cleaning the apartment, shopping and cooking. Millie had turned into Miss Domestic Bliss and I was a Miss Domestic Disaster and the pressure felt overwhelming. Everything took longer than I'd expected. The supermarket ate up two hours of the afternoon and I still didn't find the chilli jam. Was cherry tomato chilli chutney the same thing? I couldn't drive yet and I was too stubborn to ask Alistair to pick me up in his car, so I pushed everything home in a shopping trolley, through the city, like a true desperate. After I'd lugged all the shopping bags upstairs, I hid the shopping trolley near a fire door where the bins were kept downstairs. I ran out of time to clean the bathroom. The chocolate mousse didn't set like it was supposed to. I made an emergency call to my dad, but even he didn't know how to save it.

At least I was dressed when they arrived. I'd put on my Lolita finery, the outfit that I wore to the marriage interview at the agency. I hadn't had any occasions to wear it lately. I thought that Millie would fall over herself with compliments, but she didn't say anything. She was wearing a shapeless black stretchy dress, and I was surprised, again, at how thin she looked.

It was a full five minutes after they arrived before Alistair staggered out of his room. He shook hands with Jason and managed a cheesy smile at Millie. He was wearing a light green shirt and a pair of jeans. I saw something white peeping over the back of his jeans. When Millie and Jason were admiring the view from the loungeroom windows I sneakily tucked Alistair's shirt in. He slapped my hand away, annoyed. 'Get out of there,' he sneered. He retreated to his room for a moment and when he came back he'd tucked his shirt in over that white thing. What was it? Supersized knickers? Roll up, roll up, see my husband with his supersized undies ...

'Oh, I love the view. We'd love a city apartment one day. You guys are so lucky,' Millie swooned.

'It's okay,' I said. There was nothing to swoon over. It was just Spring Street and the buildings around here weren't all that amazing. If I could have any view, it would be of Port Phillip Bay, not urban life.

I brought out some olive bread and olive oil and balsamic glaze and I had to whisper to Alistair 'offer them some drinks', because no one had taught my caveman how to be civil. He dipped two pieces of bread into the olive oil and balsamic and shoved them both down his throat. When he said 'who wants a drink?', his mouth was so full, almost no one could understand him. He turned to me, 'what is there?' Because of course, he didn't even know what he was offering, because he'd been in his cave all day. The room became charred red around the edges and I was feeling so mad at him I felt like shouting. But I did the opposite and spoke softly, like a refined dinner party host, 'there is wine, edelweiss juice or lemonade.'