Silver

Chapter 69 - then

The medication helped me get my focus back. I decided to throw myself back into my schoolwork. If I could get into architecture at university, maybe I could get a placement overseas for a few months, a year even. It was the perfect excuse to get away from Alistair. It was acceptable to spend time away from one's partner if it was for career development.

I studied like I'd never studied before. I hid myself in my books, in my research, practicing for exams. When I was studying I didn't think about Jarvis. My heart forgot to ache. I topped the class in art and history and design and technology. I even get an 80 for physics. The Principal, Mr Davidson, called me into his office personally to congratulate me on my academic improvement.

'Our little chat must have really turned you around,' he said, pompous as ever. No, I felt like telling him. I was having an affair, the most intimate intimacy you could ever imagine. He was my ideal guy, but he broke my heart. That's why I did so well. Not because of you. You made me want to leave school, you old prick.

Every day I wanted to contact Jarvis. I wanted to hear from him, but the silence was thick and opaque. I looked for footprints of him online. There were specks sometimes, but nothing to satisfy me. I still felt as though I could sense when he woke up in the morning. I felt him thinking of me. There was an urgent yearning in my stomach that switched on and off during the day. I was sure it was because he was thinking of me too. I also knew I was his poison. He was staying away from me, because I'd spoil the good deeds he was trying to do in his life.

The baby must've been born by now. He was trying his best to be a good father. It was written in the book of morals: be a good dad, support your wife, do not commit adultery. He was trying his best, I could feel it. It wasn't coming naturally to him, but he had high ideals. He truly believed his little boy was his brother reborn. He was trying to do right by his son, to redeem how he felt he'd failed his brother. I understood all that, I did. Yet it didn't make it any easier to be without my soulmate.