Have you ever felt inner conflict. Conflict so deep you don't know what to do. It makes you do things you shouldn't and you don't even want to. But you do it. Because your ego, your love for attention and drama forms in the way. I don't want to be this unreasonable. I hate that he is being reasonable. I hate it more because I am wrong, I am moulding a bad image of myself. I hate that. I can't be submissive. I need to have power. Or else I fight myself. I fantasize that someone had the power of forcing me to do what I don't want to do, but even that should be something I want to do. I don't like this. Even as I write I think about ways of using this to gain attention, wish that someone discovers this, so that I gain sympathy, people know me, talk about me.
I want to be a child, I want to be an adult, I can make my own decisions but I want someone to tell me what to do. Just so that I can blame them if it goes wrong and complement myself if it doesn't. I want people to admire me and them blush of modesty when they complement me. I want to give them advice, sound wise, and also be human enough to be relatable. Want to make friends, want to have a great social life. But I also don't want to live in this web of lies. I fear that I have spun a web around myself, trapping me. Everyday I increase it, it suffocates me.
Today, I am giving up. Am I making a mistake?
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Turbulence
PoëzieA friend told me that when you will not or can not express what you feel inside, due to fear of the consequences, you should pen it down. I am scared, sometimes lonely and always tired. When the weariness strikes, it stikes me hard. But I can't sto...
