Imperfect Perfection

Chapter 9

I slipped my hand in his and we waded out to the shore. Instead of heading over to our stuff, Joshua turned and walked along the shore, heading further along the beach. I didn't say anything as I enjoyed the warmth that his hand provided and pretended that our stroll was as a couple.

Joshua eventually stopped at a dock and led me over to a boat moored there. I looked at him in confusion. He answered my unasked question.

"Well, here's the reason for our trip."

He sent me a grin and I smiled at the cute dimples in his cheeks but forced it into a playful frown.

"To ride a boat?"

"Yip! Well to sail it actually. Every month I'm gonna teach you about a new vehicle. I thought we'd start with sailing."

His face lit up with enthusiasm. But my heart sank. I swallowed slowly. I remembered the last time I had been on a boat. My hands clenched painfully as intense grief overcame me. Memories which I avoided for years resurfaced in my mind. I tried unsecessfully to push them back down.

He noticed the look on my face and his face fell immediately.

"You don't want to do this, do you?"

I shook my head slowly as I thought carefully. The pain of my past was all too fresh. I suppressed those feelings for years, I hadn't broken my resolve. Now, my once steadfast strength seemed to crumble. I looked at my arms, my eyes tracing the reminders of my imperfection.

My imperfection. I remembered my one promise to myself. 'Never let anyone see you as less than perfect.' I shut my eyes and shut my heart. I gave a firm nod.

"No, I will. It's just been a while."

The corners of his mouth lifted slighty, but he looked warily at me.
"I can see you need some time. Let's come back tomorrow."

My body relaxed in relief and I looked away from the boat immediately. He took my hand and made to move back to the beach. My mind, now fresh with my promise to myself, tried to pull away from him. I warned myself about the dangers of forming a bond with Joshua but I could take my hand from his.

We gathered our things and made our way back to the house. But tension hung in the air. I knew it was because of my sudden withdrawal but I did nothing to clear the air. I forced myself to believe that pulling away was the best choice. I had already gone too far, sunken too deep.

We were still silent as we went to bed. I didn't snuggle into his warmth as I had the night before, but stayed on my edge of the bed. Joshua sensed that something had changed and didn't try to start a conversation. The comfort between us was gone. No hugs or caresses.

My body yearned for his touch and I only hoped that he would remain respectful of the space I placed this evening. I doubted that I could resist him if he tried to approach me. I turned away from him, attempting to block out his presence but he spoke softly soon after.

"Genevieve. What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Don't bullshit me, Gen. Obviously something changed. What is it?"

"It's nothing Joshua. Drop it."

"Stop doing that!"

"I'm not doing anything."

I remained impassive and kept my voice neutral as his clouded over with exasperation.

"You're pulling away from me. Again. Everytime I get a little bit close to your past, you shut down on me."

"I don't like to remember the past."

"I have told you everything Genevieve. How can you hide from me?"

"What is this, a trade of information? If you told me that to get a story out of me, then I'd have told you to shut up."

I found myself letting emotion seep into my words and I set up and got off the bed.

"Genevieve. Don't walk away! Does it mean nothing to you that I trust you completely? You are the only one. Don't you trust me?"

I heard the bed creak lightly and I knew he had gotten up after me. Tears came to my eyes and I could longer focus on what I was saying. I spun around quickly.

"Yes, I do! But I don't want to! I can't! You don't understand Josh."

I walked to the door quickly, my cheeks wet. I hoped that Joshua wouldn't follow but he intended to finish the conversation.

"Stop running! Help me understand! Let me in, dammit!"

My feet took the stairs two at a time as I tried in vain to run from him. I flung myself onto the pool deck, sobbing loudly. He was close behind me.

"The cuts."

I drew a strangled breath in shock and refused to look at him. My heart plummeted.

"I'm not blind Genevieve. I saw them today."

I remained mute, not knowing what to say.

"You'd have worn long sleeves around me forever?"

I turned around to face him.

"I have nothing to say Joshua."

He scoffed in exasperation and looked up for a moment, muttering to himself.

"I can't believe you. What will it take for you to open up?"

"Stop trying to make me talk. It's not going to happen."

"I don't care about the cuts Gen. I am no stranger to scars."

He calmed down and was back to his gentle self.

"You know it's not the same."

He nodded and was silent for a few moments. He stepped closer to me and took my hand. He spoke softly.

"Please, love. Please let me help. I can't stand to see you in pain."

I closed my eyes and let him wipe my cheeks. The urge to spill everything to him was overwhelming, but a part of me still held back. I cried softly and wrapped my arms around him, seeking his comfort. He didn't hesitate to envelope me in his warmth.

My thoughts of staying away from him vanished. I couldn't imagine not being in his arms anymore. A barrier I had spent years building crashed around me as I finally gave in to my feelings for him.

"Joshua, I want to tell you."

"But you aren't ready. I understand."

I cast my eyes down, not needing to say more. He bent down and placed his lips on mine. I pressed gently, keeping the kiss chaste. But my simple kiss conveyed my message. He recognised my submission to our relationship. He squeezed me tightly.

"Bed."

I nodded wearily in agreement. He scooped me up, placing a soft kiss on my forehead and moved back inside. I closed my eyes and leant into him, falling asleep before he could lay me on the bed.

**Edited**