Imperfect Perfection

Chapter 10

The next morning, we returned to the dock. We had packed an overnight bag as Joshua planned for us to spend the night at sea. I was still anxious but took comfort in Josh. He hadn't pressed me for any more information after last night, but I could tell that he was desperate for me to open up.

Almost unnoticed by me, Joshua took my hand. It had become natural when we were together. I made my way to the bow of the yacht and waited for Joshua to drop the anchor. He joined me on the deck and led me over to the steering wheel.

I spent the day learning the mechanics of the boat and eventually trying my hand at steering. The hours flew by quickly and evening came almost too soon. I enjoyed spending time with Joshua and my fears shifted to the back of my mind.

I went to bed content with the day and comfortable in Joshua's arms. But I was unsettled. When Joshua was sound asleep and pried myself away. I couldn't fall asleep. When I finally did drift off, the memories I had hidden away for the day came back.

The boat was rocking sharply. We had reached some rough waters. I turned over in my bed to check on my brother. Ever since the night he discovered my bloody hands in the bathroom, he wasn't the same. My mom noticed the change in him and decided it was time for a holiday to clear our minds. She knew that I still had a rough time coping with the death of my parents. She probably assumed that he was also feeling the burden.

I worried that he had figured out what I was doing. I made an excuse about a slip of the razor but he was 13, only three years younger than me. I knew he was not oblivious and could easily guess that I cut myself purposefully.

He wasn't in bed. I ignored a nagging feeling that something was wrong and hoped he was in the bathroom. I waited a few minutes for him to come out but he didn't show up. I got up and tapped on the door lightly. No sound. I turned the knob and the door swung open. He wasn't in there. I grew more nervous, thinking of all the places on the ship that he frequented for the past few days.

I got up and walked over to my suitcase to put on some clothes. I had to find him and bring him back to bed. I stumbled around the gloomy room over to our suitcases. I rummaged around in it to get something decent. I realised that the clothes weren't mine and stuffed them back to move to mine but stopped short when something caught the light. In the darkness of the room it was easy to spot again. I felt around and pulled out a pocketknife.

My heart sank as I pieced things together quickly. True to my suspicions, the tip of the blade was bloodied. I closed my eyes and tried to steady my breathing. It was my fault. He saw me. I gave him the idea. Guilt filled me and I grew panicked at the thought of what he could be doing now.

How could I have been so consumed in my own grief that I made no time for him? So consumed in my own pain and guilt.

No longer caring about modesty, I ran through the ship, silent as everyone slept. I strained my memory to remember where he spent time recently. The game room. The cafe. The pool. All closed at this time. The deck. I rushed there quickly but I didn't see him. I leaned against the rail to catch my breath.

The rail.

I had seen him leaning on the rail earlier. He looked like he was deep in thought so I didn't bother him. I started moving along the perimeter. I saw a dark figure up above. I saw his curly hair blowing with the wind. When he came into full vision I stopped suddenly.

"David, get the hell down from there right now!"

His head twisted in my direction and the look on his face made me stop running. My heart twisted painfully, wracked with guilt.