Here & Now

Chapter Twelve

      

On Sunday I decided to take it easy. I started the morning with some well-deserved video game time. Only to be interrupted by a very selfish dog who wanted to go for a walk. I tell you, puppy dog eyes are a real thing and if you aren't affected by them, you're probably not human. Deciding to explore a little bit of Conway, I asked Mom to drop Atticus and I to the beach.

Mom went shopping while we explored our new hometown. I hadn't been to the beach many times growing up and at first I found the feeling of sand between my toes a little bit weird, wet & grainy. But after 15 minutes or so I started to enjoy it. The beach was a leash only zone, but I was never one to listen to a sign. Letting Atticus off his leash he ran off, still within my view. The sight of him running always made me laugh. How could his stumpy legs support his sausagey weight? While walking towards Atticus my phone began to vibrate. I reached into my pocket to see Zach's name light up the screen. Crap! I forgot to call him back yesterday!

'Hello?' I answered.

'Dude! WHAT THE FUCK!' he yelled through the phone.

Wincing at the volume I replied, 'Sorry bro, I completely forgot.'

'Bro, I am filthy at you right now! Not only do you forget to call me back, but you waited three days to tell me you performed in front of people!'

'Dude, I'm sorry!' I pleaded. 'I was a little bit distracted by the fact that everyone who was there and who watched the video heard me throw up like a wuss!'

'Ah yes! Your other moment in the spotlight.' He laughed.

'Yeah, yeah, laugh it up,' I replied, slightly annoyed.

'Sorry, brother! But I gotta say—you fucking killed it!'

Now it was my turn to laugh. Praise from Zach was not something that came around often. 'Cheers man!' I was smiling ear to ear.

'The throwing up and the nerves are things that'll pass, little bro. Takes time. Even now, I still get nervous and I've done hundreds of gigs,' he said calmly.

'Are you sure man?' I checked. 'Seems to be something that likes hanging around me.'

'That's cause you let it, man! I know you like to think that you don't care what other people think about you. But the reality is when you are your age, it's almost all you care about.'

I had to admit that he was right. I tried to play a cool game, but the reality was I did care. But only when it came to music.

He continued, 'My advice to you, bro, is to find a reason bigger than yourself to play.'

'What do you mean?'

'Unfortunately, it's something I can't answer for you, bro. But let me ask you, why did you play in the first place?'

'To help Aya.' I replied.

'I'm assuming she was the little hottie on the piano?' He asked. 

'Yeah.' I laughed.

'Hmm. I'll give you an example from my own life, Aiden. The reason I play now isn't because I want to be a rock star and make millions of dollars. It's because during every waking moment I am thinking about music. Every second I don't have an instrument in my hand is a second I don't feel whole. When I play, it's the only time I feel alive, it's the only time I can breathe. That's why I play.'

He was silent for a moment. Then he spoke softly, 'Why do you breathe, Aiden?'

After ending my conversation with Zach, I found myself sitting in the sand staring at the ocean. Why do I play? The thought kept crashing into me like the waves breaking on the shore. I obviously loved music. But why? I thought back to my earliest memories of music.

I wasn't sure if I remembered these memories or if it was from pictures, but I was a child, not older than three or four years old. I was sitting on my Mom's shoulders at one of my Dad's final gigs. I remembered seeing him on stage, rocking out like every moment he was up there was his last, seeing the crowd bang their heads and hands to the rhythm of the drums. Infecting everyone in the room with his own energy. I wanted to be just like him. Everything that he was in that moment.

Thinking about that made me realise that music had been a way for me to get close to Dad. But I didn't feel close to him anymore. So what was left? My thoughts wavered as I heard the sound of paws moving in the sand. I turned to see Atticus racing towards me. When he reached me I picked him up and put him in front of me. He stared at me for a moment then began digging a hole. It was so frickin cute, watching him use his stumpy little paws to make a hole.

I didn't talk much on the drive home. Mom asked if I was okay, and I was. I was fine. But I wanted more. I wanted to feel how Zach said he felt during his performances. I wanted to feel how I felt for those three minutes when I was on stage with Aya. My mood made me reflect on my first official week here in Conway. It had been a bit crazy. I had made friends, I had played in public, and I had been blackmailed by my principal. I couldn't help wonder what my second week would be like.

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What up fam! Thank you so much for reading this far. I've been trying not to focus on how long this story will end up but more what I can accomplish on a week by week basis and that's how I haven't yet been overwhelmed by how long this may take! But creating something that exists in reality (and hopefully aways exists) makes it all worth it.

Thank you again from the bottom of my heart for getting this far. I hope you enjoy it and it add value to your life.

Much Love

B