delete | ambrollins

eighteen

dean

I'm watching the tv, there's a match going on between some jobber that I dont remember the name of and CM Punk. The crowd, like always is cheering on Punk and as I watch it I feel my mind go blank.

There's a still in the air, my eyes are looking at anything and everything. My foot is bouncing against the floor rapidly, creating a low thumb each second to mark how anxious I am.

I'm not gay.

I don't know why the hell I'm even worried.

Punk manages to hit a GTS on the rookie before a 1,2,3 and as soon as the bell rings so does my front door.

Some people like to think of a bell as a signal. Most of the time its good considering its light aura and how it rings in your ears for only a slight moment. It's never been seen as bad.

Leave it to me to fuck it up as I feel my heart race increase when it goes off. There's a signal, that much is clear. A signal to tell Renee to leave, that this whole conversation is stupid.

My phone vibrates, and I dont even bother to check it.

Last I spoke to Seth, the only person besides Jimmy and Jey who texts me, we made jokes about how I would do "bad things to him".

At the thought of that, with a total stranger nonetheless, there was a feeling stirring in my stomach that took great pains to ignore.

I wasn't gay.

Couldn't have been.

I didn't want to be.

Maybe me having a "date" could be the code work for "about to have panic attack".

I never really spoke to the actual depression hotline after Seth. I hated how that sounded, like my depression was cured by just him and I knew damn well that wasn't the case but he just helped the pain fade little by little.

It was something Renee could never do, and god how I fucking hated that.

I'm straight.

The bell rings once more, repeatedly at that, and it takes me a second to realize I've been having another "date".

I stand up and make way to the door, or at least I hope I am. I can't feel anything, I can't control anything I'm just moving and all I can do is think. Think, think, think.

I watch myself open the door and Renee stands there. A weak smile is on her lip but her eyes are blotchy and cautious, as if shes prepared to cry more.

God I hate myself.

"Hey." I murmur, the words are almost a whisper and she nods her head. "Hi."

There's an silence, its incredibly awkward. We don't speak and I think we both know if we do, something could happen to piss either of us off.

Comfortable silence is so overrated.

"Come in." I cough and she does as instructed, she walks in and puts her jacket on the couch. As she looks around, my eyes meet the dirty tiles of the floor. There's some dry beer in the corner, mud from our shoes that we've brought from outside, and I'm staring at it with such a normal expression.