The Goodbye Girl

Ang Kuwento ni AIRA

Dear Marc,

Being with you makes me a different person. Not better, just different. With you, I can strip all my inhibitions and think aloud whenever we are together. I can share things I never shared to anyone before. I tell you directly that I miss you and that I want to see you. And you respond by showing up as soon as you can. It feels good whenever I make you laugh without even trying.

You see, I am not like this whenever I am with other people. With you, I become more confident and assertive and bold. With you, I become somebody else and do things I never thought I could do. I can ask you the most ridiculous favor, and you would still be willing to comply. I can ask you out whenever I feel like it. I can tell you all the crazy things that are going through my mind.  I can be foolish and stubborn and eccentric, but you never made me feel unwanted or unacceptable.

I appreciate the little things you do that make me feel so special. Little things like showing up when I least expected it or sending me a message when my favorite movie is being shown on HBO. The way you remembered trivial things that I said, things that I thought to be insignificant until you remembered them. I appreciate the way you make me feel good about myself without saying anything or the way you manifested that you care and understand everything I am going through. 

We go out, hang out with each other, and do things together. Maybe for you, these mean nothing. But for me, every moment spent with you is written in my journal or recounted to my friends.

I saved all your text messages in my cell phone but erased them when you started to read my inbox. Receipts and tissue papers from the bars and restaurants we’ve frequented were kept in a box, together with all the wrappers of the candies you gave me and the pack of cigarettes that were consumed during our bonding sessions.

I wanted to stage a play where you and I were in the lead roles. I wanted to assign meanings to the favors you’ve been doing for me. I wanted to think that there was a special reason why you saved some of the forwarded text messages that I sent you couple of month ago. But then, I would stop myself from hoping because I know I couldn’t have you.

I was in Powerbooks one day and I thought I spotted you reading a book. My heart beat in a rampage. We were just together the night before but it seemed that I missed you so badly and I was so happy to see even the back of your head. When I got closer, I realized it wasn’t you. It was then that I admitted to myself that I was falling in love with you.

In tow with the realization is a resolution to stop this foolishness. The last time we went out, you were holding me close and we were having our usual repartee of flirting. It felt good being with you even for stolen moments such as that. But then, when it was over, I felt so drained and heavy at the same time. Drained because after spending my time and energy with you, I was left with nothing but memory. Heavy because I knew it was wrong to be with you, and that you were not unlike from the rest.

Whatever it is we are sharing is going nowhere. And I am setting myself up for a major pain by playing a dangerous game with you.

Because you have a girlfriend. And although there were moments that you chose me over her when you showed up late for your dates because you were with me, I knew I could never have you. And you will never leave her for me...  Because what we had were only moments... Fleeting, undefined and stolen moments... 

For the nth time, I decided to avoid you and stop seeing you. My friend associates me to the boy who cried wolf because I kept on saying I would stop seeing you but then I would always come back to you whenever my ego plummets and I need someone to make me feel good about myself or whenever I’m bored and I need excitement in my life. She doesn’t believe me anymore. But I am resolved to getting rid of you for good.

You have done many wonderful things for me but you are a waste of time. As I said, this is going nowhere. You have given me high feelings but these are ephemeral and they come at a costly price – self-respect. I am settling with someone who can never be mine, someone who is bad for me, someone who can never give me the love and commitment that I deserve. After all the things you have done for me, it is so difficult and painful to let go. But it's more difficult and painful to hold on to someone that I know will never be mine. A line from a song says, Some good things never last. In our case, some good things don’t even start.  Goodbye, Marc.