The Goodbye Girl

Ang Kuwento ni CARLA

October 13, 2000 was a Friday. Friday the 13th.

The day before, our Religion teacher told us that our retreat was moved from November to October 13, because that was the only day that the venue would be available. Malamang, hindi naka-booked ang venue nun. Sino ba naman ang gusto magkaroon ng event ng Friday the 13th?

We weren't prepared for the retreat but we had no choice. The nuns were strict and whatever they'd tell us, we'd comply. At 2 in the afternoon, 40 sophomore students trooped to the venue -- which was just within the campus -- bringing clothes good for two days and one night.

It was my first overnight in campus as a high school student but I joined camping twice when I was in elementary. A superstitious classmate was apprehensive that something bad might happen during the overnight retreat. The others followed suit. Malas daw kasi ang Friday the 13th. I dismissed their fear, thinking about the worst thing that could happen. May magpakitang multo? Zombie? Vampire? Sa dami namin, bakit naman ako matatakot?

And so the event began. I couldn't remember the sessions and activities that we had but I remember the evening session. There were candles in front. We were asked to get a candle and then give it to someone who hurt us, or someone we had hurt. And we must talk to that person -- to ask or give forgiveness.

I gave candles to former friends I severed ties with. I gave candles to classmates I never talked to. I gave candles to students I yelled at or insulted (read: mga inokray ng harap-harapan). I gave a candle to you.

It was so brief. I asked forgiveness because I was saying nasty things behind your back. I asked forgiveness for being rude to you. I asked forgiveness for every ismid and pagsisimangot that I gave you whenever you were beside me. And I asked forgiveness for that one time that I slapped you. In return,

You apologized for your pang-aasar and pangungulit. You apologized for always copying assignments and test answers from me. You apologized for all the arguments and disagreements that we had. And you apologized for doing something that provoked me to slap you. Then it was over. We shook hands, promised not to fight again and went back to the room.

And then I talked to your friend. Unlike you, your friend wasn't apologetic. Instead, he was defensive. And he said something that made me cry. It was like a scene from a movie. Me and your friend, talking. He was mean. I was crying. You went near us, gave me your hanky and asked me to wipe my tears.

And that was how everything started.

The morning after, I caught myself making mental notes about how you looked that day. Funny the first person I saw when I woke up was you. You were washing your face in the faucet just outside our sleeping quarter.

When we were having our morning prayer, you were in front of me. White t-shirt. Red beach shorts. Black slippers. I remember writing in my diary,  "Ang kinis ng binti niya. Parang binti ng babae. Daig pa ang binti ko."

Before our retreat, you were just a classmate to me. A daily irritant who would make fun of my favorite TV show, Tabing Ilog, and who would turn nice and sweet to me when asking for an assignment. A classmate who laughed at me upon learning that I was swooning over the senior campus heartthrob who was in the varsity. A seatmate who once said, "mas maganda ka tingnan kung nakalugay ang buhok mo" and the word ponytail was forever erased in my vocabulary.

Fourteen years after the night you offered your hanky and told me to wipe my tears, here I am... I lost count of how many times I cried for you. You saw me cry for the first time. What you didn't see were the buckets of tears I shed over you after that night. What you didn't know (and still don't know) was that fourteen years after that incident, I am still thinking about you.

You probably don't remember that incident that took place between 10-11pm in the old AVR located at the elementary building of our school. You probably don't know its effect on me, 14 years after. Akala ko noon, wala lang iyun. Isang gabi lang with a classmate who was kind enough to offer his hanky. Hindi pala...

 October 13, 2000 will always be memorable for me. It was Friday the 13th. It was the day I fell in love with you. It was the day that changed my life completely. It was the beginning of my misery. Malas nga siguro ang Friday the 13th.

 ***

I spoke with our Valedictorian yesterday. She informed me about the upcoming reunion this December. It only means one thing: Makikita na naman kita. Iiyak na naman ako pagkatapos ng reunion. Because nothing would change. Ilang reunion man ang mangyari, ganoon pa rin... I will always be obsessed with you. And you will always be unattainable. You will always be unaware that you are causing me such pain... the pain of knowing that you are that someone I dreamed of having, but never had. Will never have.

I will shed tears again for you. Sadly, you wouldn't be there to offer your hanky.