•Stranded• ( Gender Identity )

xxx•Triggring thoughts•xxx

Part 5

Drowningin , holding into nothing but air .

Im laying in bed after a shower from the beach wearing a robe and nothing .

**few hours ago**

I ran up on the petit side of the road to get to the beach' entrance as i let my eyes wonder around i spot my cousins , uncles , and brother playing foot-ball hit to hit

I ran up to them but none of them notice me but they glance up and continue .

I sat down with my other uncle and my brother's kids down.

I look up at them and see if anyone would call me to play but none.

**currently**

I .. It .. It hurts , stings and stabs . I've always played soccer I've always been a boy with them .

But what they all see me as a girl , weak and just GIRL . As a gender . As parts . As just just what i was born to.

I feel so empty when they see just let it easier on her she is young , she is a girl , she is blah blah... but what i catch on is the gender I'm refereed

No matter what i tried ,

Physical pain , emotional abuse , self injury. Ill always be the gender I'm supposed to be .

People always say why can't you just accept yourself and live up with it cause it a gift from a god and have to appreciate it.

I sob , i sob cause i do appreciate I'm alive and every other thing I'm gifted , I'm thankful but i cry harder every time in the shower , alone , and at night .

Cause i can't change , i can't just take off this annoying chest , i can't replace the hurt , betrayal , shame , disappointment and hatred to my self .

No matter i try i fail to convince my self that it's okay , it's fine to be my true self cause it feels so right and in place whe-where i breathe normally my lungs untighten.

Im a fucking dyke a fucking sinful freak. I should . I really really really want to so bad to hold the rope i have in my closet and go to that only tree , tightening it on my throat as i let my self fly while it sucks the life out of my lungs.

But i can't cause i have that only friend , that why i keep holding into the branch of the tree .

And everyday it's rolling on my mind like a scenario .

~~

The guilt swipe into me as i let my frustration out on my mum .

And i can't talk about it cause i find it hard to resist at shouting or controlling my self as i crush everything around as my mum shouting disobeying parents freak i hit my knuckles to something hard 'till my knuckles bruised . I ruin around me as i ruin my mum more and ruin my self with self hate.

I can't distract my self i can't stop THIS FUCKING FEELING INSIDE ME RIGHT INSIDE ME RIGHT THERE , that's boiling that's screaming pushing me on the edge of control.

Clenching my fists tight it's hurts , unclenching them straight at pulling at my hair as I'm typing , I'm trembling violently it-it's starting inside as i play of mice & men - O.G. Loko i rock my self back and fourth when i lose my grip and ingulf through fogging numb state .

'STOP!'

It screams in my head

Other scream louder while pulling back pushing thoughts

'MORE' it hisses

I wear my clothes as fast as i could while stumbling forward for the door .

I run and run and run run run run..

Till my lungs ash my legs gives out .

At 10:42pm I'm going no where , running no where , hiding from nothing . But not even dreaming of escape.

Im tired of the stupid things i've hoped for.

Oh no what's this ?

A spider web , and I'm caught in the middle

So i turned to run.

The thought of all the stupid things i've done

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Author's note : if wondering ^ what the lyrics are in italics form from : " trouble by Coldplay"