I'm only 14 (poetry book)

X sick X

Befor, i was sick

i was consuming poisonous candy like pills

i was cutting my skin with a blade

i was drawing all over my arms and hands

i bought cheap makeup

just to feel better

but paining myself

it wont make me feel better

i thought

maybe, if these things couldn't make me happy

maybe i could think back to when we where friends

like im watching VA chess tape on a television

but when i try to remember you

its too hazy for me to even remember your ssmile

i feel

sometimes i should just give up

but your tape is stuck in the VA chess

that now your the only thing i can think about

i hate myself for that

because...

i know you don't like me anymore

its ok

i don't like me either

but cant we talk?

instead of playing the silent treatment like selfish children

don't you think there is still hope for me

Dose anyone have hope for me

.

.

.

im sorry

is that what you wanted?

my apologies

ive already wrote six pages

back and front

written in pensal

the words written out

im sorry

im sorry

im sorry

it was never ending

.

.

.

if you couldn't forgive me then

what makes me think you'll forgive me now?

it must be the poison making me see things

maybe the blood loss

maybe the markers ink deep in my skin

i may not know

but i know i cant just keep wasting my time typing my feelings

i say i will tell the world how i feel

but you tug on my shirt

i cant have you in my mind anymore

its too painful

i cant be dreaming you'll forgive me

because you won't

i cant forgive you

bescue you are the one who should forgive me

bescue of you

here i am

sick

im coughing up blood

im eating pills i stole from my mother

i'm wondering how bleach might taste on my lips

i'm thinking about things

...you could never imagine

did you know?

i already had enough of this world

you adding to it,

makes you push me closer to my insecurities

not off the edge just yet

but soon

what realy fills me with joy?

thinking of my lifeless body

blood staining the concrete for years

at your shoes will stain with blood as well

everyone's surprised faces

people fake crying

people smiling

me...no longer me

ill just be empty and lifeless

what fun!

i cant wait to see your expression

now re-reading this

Now i see how sickening i am to you

Please pardon my insolence

I dident mean to take my mask off

I'll simply slide it back on, and you'll never notice the difference.