Life

The struggle continues

  That day flew by with cleaning shalom for a group coming the next day, supper, counseling session with Jessalyn, and a bible session before I went to bed. The next day, I went for a run by myself, listening to music and thinking. This time I ran up the hill to the crosses. I sat under the middle cross and prayed the verse I had memorized the previous day. I felt good about being there under that wooden cross. I sat there for a while then got up and went back to shalom.

  I showered and got ready for the day, ate breakfast, did my devotions and cleaned my part of our room. By 9:00 I was starting my school work. First I started off with math. I sat there staring at my book for 20 minutes before Taylor walked in and saw me staring at the book.

 "Emery, do you need some help?" Taylor asked.

 "Yeah, I don't understand this very well," I replied. Taylor pulled her desk chair over to my desk and started to show me how to do my math. We worked on it for about an hour and by then I was starting to understand it pretty well. Working on my English schoolwork was easier. Jessalyn decided that I would be given a topic each week and I would write either a story, essay, poem or whatever I wanted on that topic. That week's topic was Fear. Jessalyn explained that some of the topics would be directed towards what we would be covering in our bible sessions and counseling that week as well. I decided that I would write a poem about fear. I mostly just thought of what words would work well together that day and got some ideas for what it could look like. Jessalyn also gave me a book to read that I was supposed to have done by the next week. 

 Time flew by and before I knew it, it was lunch time. I was very excited because that meant I could see Harper again. I got my sneakers on as quickly as I could and flew outside, running down the gravel road towards the dining hall, my hair flowing in the wind. I could see Harper running down the other gravel road across the soccer/games field. She looked towards me and starting running faster. I sped up to full speed. I loved a good race and it was even more fun racing with my new friend. I beat Harper to the dining hall by a couple seconds, completely out of breath. 

 "Man, you're fast Emery!" Harper said trying to catch her breath. 

 "Thanks, you are too," I said beaming. It was nice to be recognized for something other than being shy and quiet. I opened the door of the dining hall and walked in with Harper. We walked down the hall together into the eating area. I could smell sloppy joes and fries. I wasn't really sure if I wanted to eat today. The thoughts of insecurity flooded my head. I couldn't make them stop and I didn't know what I was going to do. I didn't want Harper to know about my anorexia problem, but I really didn't want to eat. Harper sat down at a table just as Jessalyn and Taylor walked in.

 We got lunch and I did eat all of it, just so that Harper wouldn't know about my problem. I mostly sat silently across from Harper, like the day before. She did ask me a few questions about some things but for the most part we sat in silence. I liked that she didn't care how quiet I was and that she didn't mind sitting together with very few words. She didn't seem to judge me for being quiet or for being a bit socially awkward. She didn't care which I really liked.

 Once we got back to shalom, I headed straight for the bathroom. I had vowed to myself that I would throw up everything I had eaten. I sat on the floor in the bathroom crying then threw up everything. It tasted absolutely disgusting but my head said that it was ok. I told myself that it was good to do this, I was making myself healthier by not having so much fat on me. I knew that it wasn't right but it felt good to feel my stomach empty. Without knowing, Jessalyn was standing outside the door hearing me cry and throw up. She knew what I had done.