𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐬𝐭

thirteen |

[i recommend listening to
'u're mine' by 'kina']
—play on repeat—

thirteen - fear of feeling

r i v e r

feelings; feelings are something i don't have.

didn't have.

i don't know, things have been different.

it's her and i don't like it. she makes me feel something—i feel different.

it's been so long i can't bring myself to feel like this.

i don't know what came over me but i had to stop it, any distraction was better than nothing. it just happened to be murder.

the sound of the gun firing was almost like a wake up call, but it didn't last long because everything seemed to flood back in.

it's not that i'm worried about the consequences, alex and marcus always find a way to cover it up. i'm worried at the fact she makes me feel things i don't want to.

it's the way she looks at things like they're not just inanimate.
and how she treats the ones closest to her; like they mean the entire world.
not only this, but her past seems just as traumatising as mine.

and that scares me.

it scares me because i feel as though she's just as broken as me.

she's ultimately not going to trust, just like me.

acting out has always been my way of coping, dealing with my largest fears.

and right now i couldn't think of anything worse than feeling again. and feeling something as strong even from the sight of her.

it's frightening how my heart rate increased immensely just from the way she looked tonight. the sheer sight of her when that door opened.

but my stomach dropped, because i cannot think of anything worse than letting another person in.
it only gives them the opportunity to leave.

—

wednesday | day five

h u n t e r

jayden, caleb and i left river to clean up the mess he'd made for himself last night.

although it wasn't necessarily out of character, i was very surprised by what happened. he seemed to be acting strange most of the night and i don't know why.

—

"why the fuck is the floor still stained?" jayden says as we arrive at the warehouse.

"i tried alright, fuck" river mutters.

"never cleaned up a dead body before?" she reply's back, looking at the the blood stained floor.

"his lazy ass doesn't normally do the dirty work" kai comes and stands next to her.

"oh i see" she says looking up to grayson and laughing.

i decide to go over to the desk area and sit with caleb.

"do you reckon we'll find another lead anytime soon?" i say leaning on the desk and looking at the computer.

"hopefully" he says with a sigh.

"is everything okay?" i ask him.

"yeah, it just feels like this job is never going to end" he says looking down.

"why do you say that?" i inquire.

"because we look and we look but nothing seems to help," he shakes his head "it's stupid".

"no it's not, but i know what you mean" i send him a soft smile as i rub his shoulder.

"anyway, what's up with him today?" caleb points towards river, sat miserably on the black couch.

"god knows" i huff.

"you should talk to him" he says.

"why me?" i ask beyond confused.

"just go" caleb pushes me in the direction river's sat.

i reluctantly walk over, hesitant that he'll just tell me to walk away.

"hey, river?" i end up saying as more a question.

"yeah" he looks up to me with a different look to normal; he looked like something was really bothering him.

to see him look so frustrated with his own thoughts, makes me sad. i can't help but pity him. it's like i can see myself completely clear looking through his eyes.

"is everything okay?" i ask, still stood looking at him.

"yeah, i'm fine" he says taking his eyes away from me and casting them to the floor.

"well you're not" i sit next to him and rest my hand on his leg for comfort.

he looks up to me, our eyes just connecting at the right moment; his lips just about curve into a smile.

right here, in this moment, i feel something i shouldn't.

it's scary.

—

<3