Letters to him

Letter 7

Dear Noah,

You say we talk too much either on texts or on calls. You're right, we do. We talk more than any other couple I know. My phone is constantly filled with your ever proliferating texts. I love it. I love to tell you everything about my day, my mood, even the tiny trivial but meticulous details. Maybe because I want you to be a part of everything yet sometimes I resist my urge to text you when I need you the most.
I learnt at a tender age not to depend on anyone. So I try. I try to put up my strong face and take the charge as anyone would expect me to, since I'm the elder kid. Every family has problems, they say, I have been patiently waiting for the problems to end for a long time now. The abberant fights between mom and dad have become mundane now. Despite the cacophony of their voices shouting at each other I used to choose sleep.
You get a sound sleep after you've cried, they say. But no one should know about this, I'm supposed to be strong.

In this chaotic mess you're my flicker of hope. You're the one I live my fantasy with, be it temporal.

I couldn't sleep tonight, it's 4 in the morning and I had been texting you randomly once in an hour or so. Never telling you why am I actually awake. Not telling you the number of times I've cried. I just wanted you to reply once. I didn't want you to ask me if everything was alright because if you did god knows I couldn't have stopped the sob or the tears. I just wanted you to reply and you did. Just like the flicker of hope, my flicker of hope.

You didn't ask if everything was alright and I was relieved. It's not like I don't want you to know about all this, I do or else I wouldn't be writing it down verbatim as it was swirling in my mind. You've already got a lot on your plate, I want you to be nonchalant for a while. You need rejuvenation. I know what it feels like to be encumbered by responsibilities and I know you need the fresh air. 

I was crying and I almost choked, but I'm supposed to be strong. So everytime mom asked me why am I not sleeping I'd tell her I'm reading an article or playing a game on mobile. While I was just waiting for you to reply. And when you did I realize I don't need your soothing words or lullaby, no. I just need you. I just need you to be there, be it on the text or call. I need you to be there, always.

Yours,
Patricia