MG2018 - Ximen + Xiaoyou

Part 5

Ximen heaved a big sigh as he sat back on the bench, looking up at the skyline. He had been trying desperately to get a hold of his feelings, but it was no use. Ever since that night, all he could think about was Xiaoyou.

He shook his head. He couldn't let this happen. If there was anything he learned from his parents, it was that love hurts. It hurts you too much when you feel too deeply. He saw it with his own eyes-- his parents always said they loved each other, but they also always raged against each other, until the pain became too great that the only option left was to separate. How could that be love? This was why he had always been careful not to let any woman get too close, why he dated around and left them the moment they got too clingy or wanted more from him. Because he knew he couldn't give them more. He was a ruined man, thanks to his parents.

But Xiaoyou was different. He never saw it coming, that he would fall under the spell of this cute girl who surprised him at every turn. She picked up on his moods easily, gave so freely, lived her life so openly. She was everything that he wasn't, and that was what scared him. That his darkness would swallow up her light. That if he loved her, he would only end up hurting her. And he couldn't bear to let that happen. So he had to stop himself from feeling whatever this was.

Don't be afraid to feel. It's okay to feel. Her words came back to him, and so did her kisses. He closed his eyes. She had been right that night; it was beautiful. He had never felt that way before, so light and so free. But remembering it now made him feel even more afraid. He buried his head in his hands. He was so confused, he had no idea what to do anymore.

"Ximen?" He heard her voice say. Had he been thinking of her so much that he was already imagining the sound of her voice? He jolted upright when he felt a hand on his back, a familiar touch that he knew belonged only to her. She was looking down at him with a tentative smile. "Hi," she said shyly. "Hi," he said, looking at her and feeling like a deer caught in the headlights. "Do you want some company?" she asked. Say no, say no, say no-- "Okay," he said, scooting over to make room for her at the bench. Wrong move, his brain said when he realized how closely they were sitting together. She sat with her hands on her lap, and her scent mingled with the night breeze. He breathed it in deeply, then squeezed his eyes shut in a mixture of regret and frustration. Now her scent was going to be imprinted in his brain.

"It doesn't have to be complicated, you know," she said quietly without looking at him. How did she do this, read him and his messed-up feelings so accurately? "Whatever it is that's bothering you, the answer is in your heart. You just need to learn how to listen." He looked up at the sky again. But that was the problem-- his heart was telling him to just take the leap, but his mind was telling him to learn from his parents' mistakes. She turned to him, "There's nothing wrong with being honest about what you feel." Don't look at her, don't look at her, don't-- He looked at her and was instantly lost in her big, beautiful brown eyes. "I can't..." he said in a tortured way, and she offered him a smile. "You can," she replied, but he shook his head. "I can't hurt you, Xiaoyou. I'm not the man you think I am," he said. It pained him to say the words but they needed to be said. "You need to stay away from me while you still can." She shook her head and put her hand on his knee, and he winced at the gesture. "You could never hurt me, Ximen," she said softly, "But I can heal you. If you let me." He saw something in her eyes, something he hoped he would never see, and he bowed his head. She caught his chin with her finger and tilted his head back up. "Please, let me?" she whispered, her lips inches away from his. He shut his eyes, and with it he shut out every particle of his body that was telling him not to do this. He captured her lips in a kiss that held all of his fear, his heartache, his sadness. She kissed him back and her kiss was lightness and beauty and hope. And he wished with all his heart that life and love could be as simple as kissing all his fears away.