MG2018 - Ximen + Xiaoyou

Part 7

Ximen was a coward. It had been weeks since that day at the amusement park, and he was going to great lengths to avoid Xiaoyou. He told himself that Meizuo needed him, now that whatever he had with Caina was over, and he spent many nights keeping Meizuo company at the bar. Women tried to buy him drinks and ask him to dance, but he turned them all down. Despite his best efforts, he couldn't stop thinking of Xiaoyou, so he tried to drink his sorrows away.

He knew that tonight would be difficult, this gathering that brought everyone together at his place. He couldn't stop himself from selecting the best cheongsam for her, paired with red heels that he knew she would look amazing in. Just imagining her in this outfit was already making him weak in the knees. He shook his head briskly. Don't go there, Ximen. Just stop it. Focus on getting through tonight and-- "Hi, Ximen." He turned and saw her standing at the doorway. "Hi," he forced himself to sound normal. She entered the room tentatively, but before she could get close, he held out the cheongsam and the heels to her, effectively keeping her at arm's length. "Here, this outfit is yours," he said guardedly. She looked startled, and hesitantly took the garment and shoes from him. She held them to her then looked up at him. "I've missed you," she said quietly. Thankfully, he was saved from having to reply when he caught sight of Shancai in the hallway. "Shancai!" he called out to her, and Shancai entered the room. As she greeted Xiaoyou, Ximen busied himself at the closet, trying to find an outfit for Shancai to wear. He heard Shancai ask Xiaoyou, "Are you okay?" Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Xiaoyou glance at him with confusion and hurt in her eyes before she turned to Shancai and nodded. "I'm just going to put these on," she replied before disappearing into the bathroom. Ximen shut his eyes briefly before returning to the task of putting Shancai's outfit together. The hurt in Xiaoyou's eyes haunted him as he absentmindedly selected a pink cheongsam and stilettos, then handed these to Shancai. He left the room before Xiaoyou could finish dressing, and he decided to go into the kitchen to check on the food.

For the rest of the night, Ximen kept himself busy playing a good host. He took every opportunity to dart into the kitchen to refill the bowl of chips or grab a bottle of wine. When he joined everyone, he made sure not to sit beside Xiaoyou. He forced himself to laugh and act normal, but he could see Xiaoyou watching him, and he was sure she knew that this was all for show.

Finally, he couldn't take it anymore, being in such close proximity to her. Everyone else was busy, so he took the chance to quietly slip away. He headed up the stairs and was halfway to his room when he felt a hand on his arm. The electricity in that simple touch told him exactly who it was. Xiaoyou forced him to turn to her. "Ximen. I love you," she declared. He winced at how direct she was. She certainly didn't mince any words. "Thank you," he forced himself to say, even if every fiber of his being wanted to reach out and kiss her and tell her that he loved her too. She raised an eyebrow at him. "That's all?" she asked. He heaved a sigh of frustration. "What do you want from me, Xiaoyou?" he asked in exasperation, "Do you want me to kiss you? Tell you I love you too? Or maybe you just want me to have sex with you. Let's go, let's get it over with!" He saw stars in his eyes and felt a stinging sensation on his cheek, and it took a while for him to realize that she had slapped him. He set his jaw and turned to her slowly. He refused to be undone by the look in her eyes, a mixture of hurt and anger and confusion. "What I want from you is to be honest about your feelings!" she exclaimed. "My feelings?!" he spat out as he punched the wall right next to her face. "It's these damned feelings that ruin everything! I told you before, Xiaoyou! You needed to get away from me while you still could! And now it's too late!" She tried to reach out to him but he pushed her hand away. "It's too late for what, Ximen?? I don't understand!" "What don't you understand?? I'm a ruined man!!" he ran his hands through his hair in frustration, "You can't love me, and I most certainly can't love you back! Not without hurting you!" She pushed his shoulder, "Well what do you think you've been doing all these weeks when you were avoiding me??" The tears streamed down her cheeks, and it felt like a knife was twisting into his heart. "If you won't be with me, at least tell me why! Tell me everything, so that I understand why you're breaking my heart!"

Ximen opened his mouth to speak, but before he could get a word out, a door opened and slammed shut. They turned to see Daoming Si stalking out angrily, and he didn't see them as he bounded down the stairs. Ximen took the chance to follow after him, leaving Xiaoyou on the steps. After a while, she emerged and quietly took a seat across him. She avoided his eyes, and he studiously ignored her, focusing instead on the drama that was unraveling before his eyes. Shancai was standing in front of them, telling them that she and Daoming Si had been dating secretly. "It's not strange that you're dating, but did you just confess your feelings?" he asked incredulously. What was it about tonight and girls confessing their feelings?! Shancai nodded, and Ximen watched as Daoming Si pulled her in for a hug. He had a huge smile on his face, and Shancai was beaming too. They looked so happy to be in love with one another. Ximen knew for a fact that their love wouldn't be without hardship, and he was sure they wouldn't live happily ever after. That only happened in fairytales. Real life meant that problems would eventually arise and suck all the happiness away. Just like what had happened to his parents.

He dared to sneak a glance at Xiaoyou. She had her head bowed, and Ximen felt a stabbing pain deep in his gut. She was right; he had already began to hurt her. This stupid love he carried inside was already hurting her and it had to stop. He had to stop. She must have felt him looking at her because she glanced up and met his eyes. He stood up and said, "I'm just going to get some air." She quickly stood up and said, "I need some air too."

They left their friends and Ximen led her outside to the garden. He picked a bench farthest from the house and sat down. Xiaoyou tentatively sat down beside him, and he turned to her seriously. "You're right. You deserve to know everything." And so he told her all about his parents, how he'd had to fall asleep every night to the sound of their fighting, how he promised himself he would never fall in love. He told her about Xiaogeng, his best friend since childhood, and how she loved him but he was too scared to let himself love her back. So he had watched as her love for him consumed her, changed her, because the more she tried to show him her love, the more he retreated and tried to push her away. He told Xiaoyou about how Xiaogeng had asked him to meet her at a building rooftop at 5:00AM, and how he didn't go because he'd been too afraid of what he might find, what she might say. That had been the final blow, and that ended their friendship. "So you see, Xiaoyou? My parents loved each other, but they just hurt each other. Xiaogeng loved me and even if I was too scared to really love her back, she still got hurt in the end. I don't even know what she wanted to tell me that day because I was too scared," he shook his head, then looked at Xiaoyou. "Do you understand now? Why I can't be with you?"

She looked at him with sad eyes. "Oh Ximen," she sighed, and they fell silent. The night air felt heavy, filled with the weight of all the words he wanted to say but couldn't. "I can't hurt you, Xiaoyou," he said quietly. It was all he would allow himself to say. "And I can't stop loving you," she said softly. She turned to him, "I can't help it. I've already fallen for you." He squeezed his eyes shut as if her words pained him, and he shook his head, "No, you can't, you'll only get hurt." She reached out and put a hand on his arm, "I understand everything now, Ximen. I understand why you're scared. But I'll prove to you that love doesn't have to be what you think it is. Just let me try." He turned to her and took in all the love and understanding in her eyes. "Please let me try," she said again, and against his better judgment, he nodded slowly. She gave him a small smile, then asked, "Can I ask you to do something for me?" "What is it?" he asked cautiously. "Can you tell me exactly how you feel about me?" she asked shyly. He took a deep breath, then allowed the words to flow from his heart. "I love you, Xiaoyou. But--" She put a finger on his lips, "No buts. That's good enough for me," she whispered, then leaned in to kiss him. He immediately kissed her back, kissing her as if this might be the last time he was doing this. "Don't do that," she murmured in between kisses, "Don't say goodbye." He felt a tear escape his eyes, and she kissed him deeper. "I promise you, Ximen, we're just getting started," she whispered against his lips, and he prayed with all his heart that she was right.