Look After You

Chapter 12

Xander found himself awake late that night. It was nearly midnight and for once he was doing homework. He sat at the kitchen table with his math book open for the first time all year. The pages were still beaten up and torn from previous years, but it was all new to Xander. He had his algebra notes spread out in front of him. Originally, they had been blank just this morning, but he had asked Nolan to text him his filled in notes. Once he sent them, Xander went to work with filling out his own and once that was done, he started to do every single blank worksheet that he had. Most were wrinkled and crumpled up by now and had been shoved to the deepest part of his backpack under all his books and were just now being looked at.

He had been at it since five that night and was still going strong. It was only taking him so long because he had so many that were do. Most should have been turned in the first month of school, but Xander was hoping that by some mericule that his teacher would at least accept some of them.

He had both of his headphones in blasting a David Bowie song when Beckett came inside. He was shivering slightly and had a bit of grease smeared on his cheek. "Hey what're you still doing up?" He asks.

Xander kept bobbing his head to the music and scribbling down numbers as he went. Beckett smiles and walks over to him, placing a hand on his shoulder to draw his attention. Xander jumps sligthly and pulls the ear buds from his ears. "You fucking scared me," he says, looking up at him.

Beckett chuckles quietly and rubs the grease off on a towel. "Sorry didn't mean to. I was out in the garage still working on that car. What're you doing?" Beckett kicked his shoes off.

"Homework." He mumbles and looks back down at his work, continuing the problem.

Beckett raises an eyebrow in surprise. "Homework? I'm pretty sure that's the first time I've ever heard those words leave your mouth."

Xander laughs quietly and shrugs. "Yeah, well I figured I'd give it a try. It's just math anyways this shit is easy for me."

Beckett smiles and shrugs his coat off. He sets it on the back of the chair before sitting down. "That's good, Xander. Really it is. I've been telling you for years to do your homework." Beckett was always the biggest advocator for a better life for his siblings. He wanted to see them all graduate and maybe even go to college and a nice job in the city. All he wanted was for them to be able to live a safe, legal life and not have to constantly worry about money problems or getting hurt. "Is it that girl you had over yesterday? She say she wants a smart harvard man?" He jokes.

Xander chuckles quietly and shakes his head. "Nah, I don't care what she thinks of me. Doing this because I want to. And her name is Ava. I've had her over once or twice before."

Beckett nods. "You like her?" He asks and reaches into his pocket to pull out a cigarette. Beckett places it between his lips and lights it.

Xander puts the pencil down and looks across the table at him. To put it simply, no. No, he did not like her in that way. Sure he liked her as a friend and she was kind and funny, but he just wasn't attracted to her. It scared him quite frankly because whenever he thought of the word attractive he thought of Nolan. He thought of his fucking best friend. Not the cheerleaders everyone was in love with and not even the hot actresses on tv. No, instead he was into the male athletes on tv or Nolan in school.

"I don't know," he mumbles, avoiding his brother's eyes. Of course he wasn't going to tell his brother the truth. He could only imagine how angry he would be if he confessed his feelings about Nolan. He'd probably laugh in his face and Xander wouldn't blame him. He wouldn't blame him for laughing either if he did.

Beckett takes a drag from his cigarette before holding it out to Xander who takes it gratefully. "Is something going on with you?" He asks softly.

Xander was caught off guard by the question. He didn't think he was being very see through. He thought he was good at hiding his feelings and putting up a facade but apparently he wasn't as good at it as he thought. "No, I'm fine. Just because I'm suddenly doing homework and I don't like Ava doesn't mean something is wrong with me."

"Hey, it was just a question because I notice it sometimes, Xander."

He raises an eyebrow. "Notice what?"

"I notice how you get quiet when certain things come up. Like with Jeremy the other night," Beckett says softly.

Xander felt his face flush furiously and he shoots his brother a deadly glare. "I'm not a faggot," he says.

"Cut the crap, Alexander. I just want to talk to you about this because I worry about you. You're my little brother and it's just... when Nolan is over you look at him differently. So come on talk to me... I'm not judging I'm just asking."

Xander stares back at Beckett for a few moments. He was terrified and felt his heart hammering in his chest. He wasn't sure how Beckett would react if he told him the truth. He was terrified that Beckett would hate him if he knew. But Xander was getting so tired of holding everything inside. It was draining and he just wanted to let it all out.

"I don't... I don't know what's going on," he says in a shaky voice. He places his hand over his face as he feels tears prickle at his eyes. "I'm so scared right now."

Beckett gets out of his seat and walks over to him, placing a hand on his brother's back. "What are you scared of?"

"I don't know what's going on with me. When I was kissing Ava I... I didn't feel anything. But the other day I was drinking and I was stupid and kissed Nolan. But when I kissed him it was... it just felt so good," he whispers. He felt a tear slip through his fingers and roll over his cheek.

Beckett gently pries his fingers a way from his face and looks down at him. "Listen... I don't care if your gay, straight, Hell I wouldn't care if you were transgender, Alexander. All I want is for you to be happy. That's all I want for all of you. And if your happy kissing boys then I'm all for that."

Xander stared back in disbelieve. His brother never seemed like the kind of person that was this accepting. He was scared Beckett would be disgusted in him.

"I don't know what I like but I can't be a freakin' pole smoker," he mumbles, hands trembling.

"Xander it's not like it's something you can control. Maybe you're confused or maybe you aren't. Just... whatever it is know you can talk to me, Okay?"

Xander nods a bit. "Okay," he whispers.

Beckett smiles and ruffles his hair. "Come to bed soon," he says before walking into the bedroom.

Xander watched him leave before a small smile appeared on his face. It felt nice to talk about what was going on in his head for once.