miracles

{seven}

august 17th 1778

My heart is aching as I lie in bed for most of the day. I'm at smaller estate close to the palace, but far enough away that I am able to have time to myself and away from my husband.

I thought that Tobias loved me. I thought that was why we were married in the first place; why we had produced children together. Was it all a lie? I can't help but wonder as I sit here by the window, the warm summer light coming in through the glass panes.

I stir a bit of sugar into my tea and watch as birds and butterflies flit about outside without a care in the world. I wonder how it must feel to be so free, a feeling I have never felt in my entire life. "Your Majesty seems a bit lonely," a voice says from behind. I turn to see a handsome butler standing there with a teapot in hand. "I brought you a bit of extra tea, just in case you required some later."

I nod, gently wiping a single tear from my cheek. "Thank you," I say. "You're too kind."

"If you don't mind my asking, Ma'am, why have you left the palace in such a hurry?"

"Issues." I take a sip of fresh tea and lean back in the rocking chair I'm seated in. "None of your concern, Sir."

"Of course, Ma'am. I hope you feel better." And with a bow, he leaves my presence. 

I rub my temples and bite my lower lip. My head is throbbing, my heart aches, and I can't seem to cheer myself up. I begin to cry for the fiftieth time today, weeping until my stomach aches.

During my time weeping, I drop my teacup on the ground and it shatters. I feel like it was my heart, breaking into a million pieces. I feel myself crumbling, feeling unable to escape from the stressful mess that would be created by my own doing. Had I never said a thing about last night to Tobias, we might be on better terms today.

And at this moment, I flash back to when I was happy. Joyous. Proud to be who I was. And as time wears on, I see that happiness fading quickly. Quicker than I ever had expected.

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december 1783

"Have you spent much time with the children lately?" I ask Tobias as I enter our bedroom. As usual, he's seated at his desk with empty bottles of wine surrounding him. "Edgar is doing great as far as walking goes. I think he'll be able to do so without falling within the next few months."

"Rather normal development for a child," he says. "But no. I haven't gotten the chance to spend much time with all ten of them equally. But I have been working a lot with Xavier lately, preparing for when he becomes king someday." He takes a final swig of wine before lying down on the bed. "I hope they are all doing well, though. I'll see if I can squeeze in a bit of time with them tomorrow morning and afternoon."

Of course, he will. It's what he's been saying for the past three years, yet never acting upon it. My mind is filled with thoughts as I climb into bed and pull the covers over myself.

Just then, there's a loud banging on the door. "Your Majesties!" a worried voice calls from outside. "There's an emergency!"

We jump out of bed and fling open the door. "What is it?" Tobias asks. "What's wrong?" It's the most troubled I've heard him in years. "Talk to me!"

"Your son Xavier has died."

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Tobias runs his hand along my back as I cry into his chest. There's not a word in the entire world that could describe the pain I'm feeling. "Darling, I don't think I can do this," I mutter. "It's too much..."

"We must, Francoise," he says, lifting my chin so that my eyes meet his. "We'll do it together. There is strength in numbers."

I nod my head and stand with him. Although the past few years have been awfully rough between us, I don't know if I could do this without him. Together we walk down the stairs and hallways of the palace, eventually making our way to the cathedral wing. I pull a black veil down over my eyes before we enter. The guests stand and curtsy as we make our way to our seats in the front row.

Dead. At a mere age of nine. The poor child.

As the coffin is carried in, I can't help but let out my loud cries. And I can't help but wonder if I failed him as a parent. 

How could we not have known something was off about our poor son before he took the knife to his own heart? 

When the coffin is opened for viewing, I make my way up to it first and take Xavier's hand in mine. I kiss his forehead. "My son..." I mutter. "My wonderful, talented, and exceptional son." A tear falls down my cheek and lands on his. I let go of his hand and turn to Tobias who stands with open arms. I fall into them, and for a brief moment, everything is alright.

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a flashback - discovering her first pregnancy (1774)

I practically leaped into Tobias' arms when I found out the news. He spun me around in the air and kissed me gently but passionately. "We're going to be parents, Francoise!" he had exclaimed. "Oh, how I've always wanted a son or daughter! Which do you think it will be?"

He set me down and rubbed my slightly swollen stomach. Tears streamed down our cheeks as we looked into each other's beautiful eyes. "It doesn't matter to me," I had responded. "I'm just so thrilled to be having a baby with the one I love."