Soldier

Home bound

Brian McCook's POV

It was rough. These past few months have been an endless battle against myself, and every voice in my head that has led me to believe I needed to use drugs again. Relapse is multifaceted, but it is mainly absolutely embarrassing. My relapse was made so much harder because I had to hide it from the person closest to me in the world, and with whom I have shared my darkest secrets and most honest moments. I was so embarrassed, and so aware of how disappointed he would be once he found out, that the guilt ate at me in a way that pushed me further down the rabbit hole.

The breaking point was hard. Brian was devastated when he found out. But far more than he was devastated, he became determined to do everything he could for me to recover. He said any business ties between us are being put on hold for an indefinite amount of time, and of course insisted that I enter a rehabilitation center the very next day.

Rehab was miserable, but necessary. However, what truly pushed me through this excruciating process was Brian calling me every single day, having heart-felt conversations on the days I was breaking down completely and telling me the weirdest stories on the days I just wanted to have a reason to laugh. Knowing that he was so caring, that he wanted me to rehabilitate even more than I wanted it myself, was at times the only thing pushing me to continue, and to get better. I just wanted to go back home and have one of our sleepovers, cuddling as if it was the most natural thing in the world, taking turns at being the small spoon according to who needed to be held more that night. Oftentimes I would be the big spoon, because I wanted to feel I have at least one way to make Brian feel as safe and loved as I did whenever he merely looked at me.

It wasn't a usual friendship we have concocted, I am aware. But it's ours, and it works for us. The issue is that during my time in rehab I became increasingly aware of the fact my feelings for Brian may run deeper than friendship. Admittedly, I have had a crush on him from the very first minute I laid eyes on him, and I have been quite vocal about it. But at first I believed it was more to do with the physical nature of our friendship, as well as the amazing connection we had immediately. Now I know this isn't a sporadic crush, these feelings go deep. His face is the image clearest in my mind, more than my own face, even after months of not seeing him in person. His laughter is a more memorable sound to me than Roxxxy Andrews' verse in Read U Wrote U. And that goes to say something.

He is coming over tonight. I can barely contain my emotions. I have cleaned my apartment like I never have before, I bought 10 DVDs of movies that are not streamed on Netflix but he might like to watch, and I even put sheets on my bed. This man has saved my life in ways I cannot express, and I am already finding myself needing to resist the urge to jump on him and kiss him as soon as he walks through my door.

Brian Firkus' POV

I haven't seen Brian in a few months. And not that I would ever even try to compare this to what he went through, but these months have been absolutely miserable for me. Seeing him on FaceTime every single day he was in rehab was, in all honesty, sometimes more for my own sake than it was for his. I needed to know he was okay, or at least that he was going to be okay. Seeing a person you love so much cry and break down and go down a spiraling road is heart breaking. These months apart from Brian have highlighted to me just how major of a place he has in my life. To the extent where I can no longer imagine even a day going by without at least speaking to him, and having him send me a god awful selfies making the ugliest faces. But, of course, his face will still be the most beautiful thing in the world to me.

The realization that my feelings for Brian have morphed into something very different from friendly was hard for me. I don't know if these feelings are reciprocated in any way, or if telling him now would be right for him and his mental stability that is so much more fragile than I ever wish it were. I resolved with myself to be his friend primarily, and show him with my actions just how much I care about him, and how he is the most important person in my life.