Tam

Just A Visit

The wind was rustling through the branches, sending an unnoticed chill through my sleeves.  I pulled my arms tighter around my knees, not taking my eyes off the round leaves in front of me.

Black leaves, covered in a shimmering layer of silver paint that had long since dried, coating the tips as a reminder to myself.

She was more important.

And I let her down.

I heard footsteps behind me, but I ignored them. I didn't feel like hearing the repeated "I'm sorry"s and "don't worry"s that were echoing around me. I didn't feel like dealing with the pitying looks, or acknowledging the pure emptiness left after the Neverseen had been defeated.

It happened a year ago. It had been a year, and I still hadn't come to terms with it.

She saved our lives. She stayed behind and held them off. And what did I do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Linh's sacrifice was marked by a golden plaque, inscribed with her name and how she died, set in the ground and splotched with dots of silver paint. As if that could replace her life. As if that was worth even a sliver of her.

"Hey."

Biana's soft voice was jarring in the silence, but I hardly reacted.

"Tam?"

"Hey," I answered, my own voice empty. This was what she did whenever she visited--she forced me to talk, as if to make sure I still could.

I felt her sit beside me, her skirts billowing around her legs as she settled down, her delicate fingers playing with the strands of chocolate hair. "You okay?"

"Don't you know the answer to that?"

There was a short silence. "What happened this time?"

I glanced her way, ripping my gaze away from the concern in her teal eyes. "Nothing."

"Tam...."

"Nothing happened, Biana. It's just...." I trailed off, my arms tightening around my knees. "I miss her. Our house feels so empty without her."

Biana nodded and scooted closer, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. "It's going to take time, Tam. And I'll be here."

"I shouldn't be the one that has time, Biana!" I said, the guilt in my voice sharpening my words. "She should be the one sitting here, not me!"

I felt Biana stiffen. "Tam...."

My nails dug into my palms. "I'm fine."

She looked helpless. "No, you're not. And I just don't know how to fix you." She gasped and covered her mouth. "That's not what I—"

"Fix," I repeated quietly. "You think I need fixing?"

"No." Biana's voice had taken on a pleading edge. "Tam, that's not what I meant. You're hurting and I just don't know how to help."

I looked at her. "I don't need help, Biana. You're right, I just need time. But right now..." I pulled my legs closer. "Right now, it doesn't feel like time is going to fix anything."

"I know," she said, pulling me closer until I could feel her warmth through my shirt. "Believe me, I know. When Alvar died, I didn't know what to do with myself. But I had you, and my brother...." She smiled at me. "Being with people who love you helps speed up the process. But time can't heal you all on its own. You have to let it first."

I returned my gaze to Linh's Wanderling. "I know," I said, glancing up at the sky. "I just don't know if I'm ready for that."

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So, I have a very strong feeling Alvar's going to die. Don't ask me why, I just do. 

Also, I've had this oneshot going for a whiiiiiiiiile and only just finished it. So yay me! I guess 😂