the sardine fic || frerard

the fic

"a table for three, please" frank, who was wearing a dinosaur onesie in the middle of an elegant restaurant, said to the cashier confidently, earning a weirded look from his boyfriend, gerard.

"table for two," gerard corrected, trying to fix the situation before it becomes awkward.

"no, sir, table for three." frank repeated, louder this time.

the cashier had never been so completely done with two customers so quickly.

"table for two, coming right up." the hella-irritated cashier said rapidly, guiding the pair to a table before they decided to switch up their table-needs again.

he left the two alone as they began to look over the menu.

"frank?" gerard asked.

"what?" frank responded.

"why did you ask for a table for three?"

frank kind of sat there for a second, thinking, before he responded: "i don't know, we always go for a table for two. i thought you might want to shake it up a bit."

that phrase instantly caught gerard's attention. he jumped onto the table, whipped out his ipod nano, starting blasting 'the only difference between martyrdom and suicide is press coverage', and began screaming the lyrics. all heads turned in his direction as, eyeliner dripping down his cheeks, he screamed:

"SWEAR TO SHAKE IT UP IF YOU SWEAR TO LISTEN OH WE'RE STILL SO YOUNG DESPERATE FOR ATTENTION I AIM TO BE YOUR EYES TROPHY BOYS TROPHY WIVES"

frank looked appalled and confused. he should've been questioning why gerard was doing that in the middle of a fancy-ass restaurant, but instead he was just wondering why ryan ross was doing the worm nonstop next to gerard on the table. this had to be a dream.

a head chef bolted out of the kitchen, knife in hand, and yeeted himself over to frank and gerard's table immediately.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU TWO STICKS OF UNSALTED BUTTER THINK YOU'RE DOING IN MY RESTAURANT?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?" he screamed, waving the knife around at gerard and ryan.

gerard timidly stepped off the table, wiping away eyeliner from all over his face and turning off his ipod. ryan, on the other hand, was unaffected by this and continued to worm it up all over frank's silverware and water glass, which had spilled everywhere.

the chef kind of left ryan to do the worm in peace as he pressed gerard against the wall and got uncomfortably close.

"no offense, sir, but frank is the only one allowed to pin me against a wall like this." gerard murmured.

"well, this is working out then." the chef smirked at gerard, causing a strange tension.

"what do you mean, sir?" gerard questioned, confused, still trying to wipe away little bits of eyeliner from off of his face.

"i mean that i am frank." the chef slowly reached toward his neck and began to rip off his skin. he slowly peeled it upwards to reveal another face underneath. it was true. he was frank iero.

gerard stood there, confused. would this mean that he would get a free or discounted meal?

gerard, regardless of the situation, went in to kiss frank. their lips collided, and frank fired a sardine down gerard's thraot from inside his mouth.

gerard tried to back away but he was pinned against a wall, unable to move or retaliate in any way.

frank positioned his mouth under gerard's nose and shot yer another sardine into it, leaving gerard confused but still slightly intrigued. frank continued to shove another sardine up his other nostril.

gerard, only able to smell fish, tried to clear his throat, but to no avail, as frank just continued to shoot sardines down gerard's throat until they piled out of his mouth. ryan was not paying attention to any of this as he was still doing the worm on the table.

gerard, unable to breathe, collapsed onto the floor, dead.

frank grabbed his dead corpse and dragged it into the bathroom. he shoved it into a fursuit and left it there, returning to his table.

frank proceeded to put a collar around ryan's neck and put a leash on it. "let's go home now, ryan" he said, giving him a pet before dragging him (stiLL DOING THE WORM) out of the restaurant and back to go say hi to his best pals, paterick and pete.