mixed ON PAUSE //joshler au

c h a p t e r f i v e //poem

unedited

💍🦋🐟

once again, tyler was sad and vulnerable. he wasn't sure what brought on these feelings. but they were just there. he had been diagnosed with depression a couple months after his fathers death. he was on medication, and he took the pills everyday. he sometimes didn't like how he felt, but it number everything. including feelings, so he continued with it. today however, was just a bad day.

at some point he had broke out in heart wrenching sobs. he wasn't sure when, but currently he was sitting in his bathtub. hot steaming water hitting his back. times like there were the worst. he had his legs pulled to his chest with his head resting on his knees. he opened his eyes after awhile and saw blood. this happened when he was crying to hard, a nose bleed. he always tried to refrain from crying due to the fact that he can get nose bleeds from it.

after about an hour tyler finally stepped out of the shower, he made all his blood was washed away, hoping all his did would be undone. but if course it never was. he returned to him room and got ready for work. he was still training josh, the perky red head that always had something to talk about.

he arrived at work five minutes late. this was unlike him. josh sensed that something was wrong with the blue boy, he tried everything his could to cheer him up. during lunch break josh noticed tyler's notepad was left open. the taller boy was in the bathroom, josh couldnt help himself, he had to see what the man was writing about

depression isn't a quirk,
it's not a trait
it's not a fun little addition to your character
It's a FUCKING FLAW.
it's a burden of intangible proportions
it's a shadow. and your living in it.
and it scares away the sun
and soon your in the dark.
and all your energy is spent pretending is all okay, and that the shadow is yours.
it's not.
it grows when your not looking, and when you think it's gone away
it's only right behind you.
and you hate that it's right there and yet you can't reach it
but even if you could.
how do you fight a shadow?
medicine can change how the darkness feels.
but it can't bring back the sun
and maybe you forget the shadows there
it's still there.
it's still there..
it's violating every part of you. seeping into every crevice of your mind and soul.
your still there, beneath it all.
but it's so cold and dark.
and the sun can't shine for you anymore.
and when your spirit has been eaten and you've given up all hope,
all you can do is wait, and breathe
and pray to the god you don't believe in
that someday this shadow of you, this feeling of inevitable torture to your mind and memories. will just FUCK OFF.
and you'll feel warmth again
lasting warmth.
not a glimpse of what it could be
real, comforting warmth .
but in the darkness that became your life,
you forget the sun and what it felt like on your skin and in your heart.
and all you remember is this cold dark shadow and how it ate you.
and the memory haunts you until your breath is shallow, and labored.
and you think the next could be your last,
but somehow you keep breathing. in your breathe is warmth
and that's all the hope you can manage,
to keep breathing, underneath the shadow that ate your life.
it's not enough for anyone
but it's enough to survive.
it's enough.

josh brought a shaky hand up to his mouth, could feel tears in his eyes. is this how tyler really felt? he knew he didn't know the boy for very long but he felt so bad for him. josh's thoughts were soon interrupted by the notebook being snatched away from him.

"what the fuck josh! why would you read this?" tyler looked pissed.

josh didn't know what to say, "i- uh- i don't know. i'm sorry tyler" he rushed out of the break room and attended to some of the animals. he avoided tyler for the rest of his shift. josh felt terrible. he knew he shouldn't have read through it, but he just wanted to see what was going on inside his head. the red buy felt someone tap his shoulder. he quickly turned around and was met with tyler's concerned eyes.

"josh.. i'm sorry. i shouldn't have snapped at you. my is just very personal to me. i didn't realize that i left it out for anyone to see." he started to walk away but josh quickly grabbed his wrist stopping him.

"tyler wait." josh said in almost a whisper. "i shouldn't have read through it. i was just curious and i wanted to see what was going on inside your head. i'm sorry." he let go of tyler's wrist.

"it's okay josh, really. i should be going no-"

"are you okay?" josh suddenly blurted. he watched tyler's eyes widen at the question. it looked as if no one had ever asked him that question. this hurt joshua's heart.

"i- what?" tyler didn't know to say, no one had ever asked him this before. he felt like he was on the verge of tears.

"no." was all he could say before he walked away quickly leaving a stunned red skinned boy behind.

the poem in this is not mine. it's my friends boyfriends writing, so creds to him (yes he gave me permission to use it)