She's Broken

Chapter 18

Chapter 18 - not proofread, sorry

‘Dear, Kat.

                Dad said you’re talking to him. Good girl. I wish you’d talk to me, after everything I did for you. Don’t you think that you’re being a bit childish? I’m doing ten years because of you and this is the thanks I get, ignorance.

                They confiscated your picture, called me sick and delusional. Apparently, a pretty girl like you would never go for a monster like me. I guess that’s why they called it rape; they think you’re too good for me. You should come and see me. See what they’ve done to me, just because of you. This is your fault, you should be paying for it. And you will, as soon as I’m out, everything they did to me, I’ll do to you.

                Steven came to see me and said that he’s seen you around. I told him he could have a free ride, your payment to him, so expect him around soon. Deny him and pay for it, I’m fed up with sticking up for you, Kat, you’re too weak. Too easy. Too pretty. You’re ‘too’ everything. And I love you far too much for my own good. See you soon, my sweet.

                Love, Finn x

 

                I felt like I was going to throw up. Dropping the letter into the box with the rest of them, I buried my face into my hands. Expect him around soon. The words echoed around and around in my head, speeding my heart up and making my pulse thrive on the fear.

                He was meant to be gone. Away. Leaving me alone. I was meant to be safe. And there I was, cowering in the abandoned stall at the very back of the yard. He can never get you again, they told me. That was it, the caged tears started to flow, escaping after weeks of being held captive, almost as if they couldn’t wait to get out.

                Harley wasn’t going to protect me and my mother couldn’t, either. If I went to the police, the boys would come and send a message, or worse. Trembling followed shortly after the nausea, making my throat close up. The familiar signs of a panic attack haunted me, circling my body like a predator until it struck. The numbness felt good, so did the lack of air. That was what I deserved, nothing. A strangled sob charged from my lips, which were buried into my shaking knees.

                The hay around me was moving and whining when I moved my weight to rest against the wall. My short breaths were becoming faster, hurting my already tightened chest. It made me wonder if Finn’s chest felt like that when he explained how it felt having a broken heart. He didn’t know the definition of broken, hurt or afraid. He was fine, calm and in charge. He was OK and always had been.

                The room around me closed, offering an embrace when I closed my eyes, trying to make the panic go away. The therapist had taught me to control my breathing and how to calm myself down. At last, after letting the panic attack leave its affect, I took a few deep breaths, letting the oxygen roam my lungs.

                He can have a free ride. I wanted to be sick, I needed to be sick. Getting up with shaky knees, I walked to the door and keeled over, bile rising in my throat. Nothing came, unsurprisingly and I dropped onto the floor again, glancing over my shoulder at the box of carefully kept letters. All twelve of them.

                Shredding them would do no good. There would be no proof of my torture and he would only write me more. My mum had gone back up to Somerset, this time with Blue to ride him in competitions of her own. Dad had offered to stay around but I’d politely declined, asking Jenna over instead.