She's Broken

Chapter 36 - The End.

Chapter 36 - The end.

Dear Finn.

                Putting something down here is even more difficult than standing in front of you in court three years ago. I don’t really know what to say apart from that this is the very last time you will ever hear from me. In however many years you get out, if you ever get out, I won’t be here for you to find.

                I’m not at the yard anymore. I’m not even in England anymore. I moved away with Eli, the boy I was in court with, his brother and his mum. She’s like a second mother to me and Dean is like a brother, a real brother. Spencer’s gone to university now; he’s still in England, two years through a sports course. In case you were wondering, he probably won’t talk to you. Neither will your other friend, the one you brought along a few times to 'watch the show'. After a hearing with magistrates, he got away with community service and a strong warning.

                To be quite honest, I don’t think that anyone will talk to you. I went back to school about two weeks after the court case and it was like someone had shed a spotlight on me. At first, when you were arrested and proven for the two assaults, they all hated me. If you thought I was unpopular before, you should’ve seen what happened after you went down. They all thought I lied, they couldn’t see their perfect little football star as a rapist. No matter what you said in your letters, how much you denied it in court, that’s what you are. You’re a rapist, an abuser and the one thing that let me down. The day outside school, when the girls pushed me over, can you remember? You told me to not let anybody knock me down, to not let anybody break me. I really hope that you feel a pang of guilt, even if it’s a little one, that you were the one to break me in half.

                I did the last two years at sixth form with too many friends to count. Nobody hated me anymore. Everybody seemed to look at me differently. Some with empathy, others with a sense of respect. When you went down the second time, I think that they realised I was right, you weren’t as innocent as you looked. The teachers, the kids and your friends forgot about you by year two of college. Well, not forget per say. You just weren’t remembered for being the star of the football team or the guy that got all the girls. You were the sicko that raped his sister. For that, I do feel a bit sorry for you. If I wasn’t there and you didn’t do anything to me, where would you be now? You would probably be in university with Spencer, getting what he’s getting, with a girlfriend, a flat and a degree. I’m sorry that you threw that away and that I was part of the cause.

                Where I am now, I’m about to go into my first year of University to study biology and animal care. I’m going to do what I always said I would, work with animals. Dad said that it was a good idea, he even paid for my flight and tuition.

                Dad and Mum are back together, that will probably make you happy. They’re at home, no divorce happened, with two new horses and are attempting to teach little children to ride, especially disabled children, which is absolutely amazing. If I had just one thing to ask of you, it would be that you don’t go back to ruin it for them.

                Tempest is with us and she’s doing remarkably well. Better than I am, even. Eli can enter her in competitions and she’s won more than ten of them in the past six months. She’s got the company of Scrabble, Eli’s original horse and Harley, who’s here with me. At first, she wouldn’t respond to Eli, only to you but she got used to a new way of life, the same way I have. 

                I don’t know how prison is treating you and I will never know. I haven’t included a return address on this envelope so if you do ever get this letter, you won’t be able to answer me. You once told me that you loved me and not in a sisterly way. I just want to let you know that you’re delusional. One day, when you’ve got yourself sorted, I hope that you can go out, get a job and live your life the way that you want to, the way that you would if it wasn’t wasting away in a jail cell.

                Steven should be getting out next year so he won’t be there to keep you company, either, you’ll be all on your own. Maybe then you’ll realise the impact you had on me. Taste your own medicine and enjoy it, Finn.

                It’s been three years since I last saw you and I would be lying if I said I forgot what you looked like. You haunt my dreams and sometimes I see your face when I try to be close with my boyfriend. I haven’t had proper intimacy with Eli yet and I’m not going to give you the satisfaction by never having sex again. It's going to happen eventually because I love him and he loves me. I plan to lose my virginity, my innocence, to him at some point soon. You won’t have your hold over me after that and I can finally forget those dreadful nights I used to have, sobbing into my pillow.

                Ally, the girl that was abused by her dad and you chatted up the bookshop has had a baby. A little girl called Lyra. I just thought that I’d let you know that no matter what people have been through, they can move on, which is what I am trying to do. Standing in front of you in court, rather than the video testimony that I was offered, was my way of moving on. I said my goodbye.

                You’ll see that I’ve included two things with this letter. The first of which is a picture from my bedroom wall. I don’t know if you do remember, but it was a few weeks after we got our horses and couldn’t get them to trust us. We’d go out and play in the field every day until they got used to us being around. It was also a year after you got me my clover. Which brings me to my second gift. You gave me this necklace and promised that as long as I wore it, I would never fall off, it would keep me safe. I wore it to court and it stopped me falling off the wagon, collapsing and giving into the tears in front of you. Now, I give it back. Keep it with you, Finn, and when you get out of jail, don’t fall back down to the level you are now, stand tall and sort yourself out. Please.

                For the very last time, Kat x

A/N There will not be a sequel to this. I feel that this story should be stand alone and another book will ruin the emotion and stretch the story. Thanks for those who were interest.

IMPORTANT 

If you know anybody that has been through similar to Kat, the same as Kat, abuse, rape or bullying. Please do something about it. This book highlighted issues that do really happen out there and here are a few numbers, if you are in the uk, that you can use.

CHILDLINE: 0800 11 11

NSPCC: 0808 800 5000

SAMARITANS: 08457 90 90 90

RAPE CRISIS: 0808 802 9999

All the charities above have websites that can be easily accessed. If you are worried about anybody finding out that you contacted childline, your call is wiped from your phone so anybody in the household will be unaware of the call.