Jen's Diary

I Will Never Not Love Him

"Why do you keep doing this to yourself?" Zoe asked. "Loving him doesn't help you. It only makes you miserable."

She stroked her thumb across his bandaged wrist. "Why can't you see that you're only hurting yourself?"

Connor was silent for a moment. "Zoe... have you ever been in love?"

"What?"

"I'm not just talking crush. I mean full on in love. As in, you'd die for that person."

"Connor-"

"I'm going to assume you haven't." He sighed and gently removed his wrist from her hold. "You can't just... stop loving a person. It doesn't work like that." A dry and bitter laugh clawed its way through his throat. "It doesn't mean shit how much you wish you could stop. Your heart will always be with that person. It will always belong to them."

"But Connor, this isn't healthy. It has to stop."

"But it won't." He sighed. "Believe me, Zoe, I wish I didn't love him. God, I wish I didn't. But no matter how hard I try to stop myself from wanting him, I can't. Every time I see him, I want to hold him, hug him. Kiss him. And, and it hurts. It hurts so much because I know that he'll never want what I want. He will never want me." He sniffed and wiped his eyes.

"Connor..."

"I can pretend all I want that I'm indifferent. That I don't care about him. But it's a lie, a mask. I care. Maybe a bit too much. And I don't care if I end up destroying myself. I will always love him."