Assassin's Creep

Part I

"Ezio, are you sure we can do this? The Templars have been in there for days now." Altair stroked his throwing knives pensively as they stared at the abandoned building on 5th Street. 

"Baguettes," Arno agreed.

"WHERE'S CHARLES LEE?" Connor protested.

"I'M A PIRATE ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!” Edward suggested.

Ezio slapped his palm against his forehead in frustration: "Yes, Edward, we know.”

All five Assassins sat majestically on a plank of wood overhanging a nearby building, surveying the site.

“If we croissant them they’ll be sure to baguette,” Arno suggested.

Ezio and Altair looked at each other and sighed simultaneously.

“Stop speaking nonsense, Arno. We have to think seriously. Doing that would surely get us killed! Besides, Elise is in there.” Altair said.

“AL MUALIM’S SAGGY BALLSACKS! WHY IS ELISE IN THERE?!” Arno exclaimed in utter shock.

Edward began teething his flintlock pistol again, and Ezio quickly yanked it from his gob. A trail of slobber followed, glinting in the evening light. They had been sitting up there for hours on end, and it was driving Ezio to insanity.

“Because, dude. You tried to get with her.” Connor explained.

“Yeah, so what? She’s hot.” Arno smirked.

“But, she’s a Templar, Arno.” Altair added.

“Hah! You can’t talk! What were you and Maria Thorpe doing last night then? Popping her Apple of Eden, I bet.” Arno protested.

“But dude, not only that, but she’s your sister!” Connor said.

“Oh, shut up! It’s not like she’s my biological sister.” Arno reassured himself.

Ezio intervened: “Alright, amici, basta! We need to devise a plan. Edward?”

“ARRRR!”

“I need you to create a diversion. Try to locate and distract the Grand Master while we sweep in and non-lethally subdue the other Templars.” Ezio instructed.

“Alright, lads!” Edward replied.

“Connor?” Ezio continued.

“Yes?”

“You’ll be in charge of taking down Haytham and Charles Lee.”

“WHAT? WHERE?! WHERE’S CHARLES LEE?!” Connor exclaimed.

“…in the building over there…the one we’ve been staring at for half an hour because you idioti have been too daft to devise a plan!” Ezio’s face went red with anger.

“Woah, relax!” Altair put his hand over Ezio’s face in a calming gesture, “I’ll subdue Maria.”

“Baguetteshit! You two are going to go at it!” Arno laughed.

“Oh, grow up!” Altair replied.

“I am grown up. I’ve seen Elise’s croissant!” Arno boasted.

Ezio raised an eyebrow: “Is that some sick code word of sorts?”

Arno smirked: “Oh my god, were you like, born in the dinosaur age or something? Everyone knows what that means.”

Ezio looked to Altair for answers, but he too had no clue what Arno was on about. Connor put a hand on Ezio’s shoulder and shook his head.

“Everyone knows what that means, man, even me. And I’m the most socially awkward one here.” Connor sympathised.

“And the only virgin, mate!” Edward added.

Altair, Ezio, Edward and Arno laughed. Connor blushed immediately and snatched Edward’s precious pistol from his hands.

“No! Not my baby! GIVE IT BACK!” Edward whined.

Connor laughed, dangling the pistol over the edge of the building. Edward began to cry, clawing and Connor for his beloved gun.

“Enough!” Ezio growled, “Edward: Grand Master. Connor: Haytham. Altair: Maria. Arno: Elise. Got it?”

Four hooded heads nodded simultaneously before one by one the Assassins performed majestic Leaps of Faiths into garbage trucks on the street below. Ezio’s plan was in action, and slowly the rancid vehicles rattled their way to the abandoned building on 5th Street.

A/N: HEY ASSASSINS! This is my absolutely horrible Assassin's Creed fanfic! I tried to make it as funny as possible but might have epically failed in that department. NOTHING IS TRUE, EVERYTHING IS PERMITTED!