Assassin's Creep

Part IX

“I hope they had insurance…” Edward said while looking at a car which Fi-Fi had barbequed.

Theiof screamed and hid behind Ezio as Fi-Fi roared.

“How do we fix it?!” Edward asked frantically.

“Try to pat it or something!” Arno suggested.

“What?! No! Why would we want to pat this thing?!” Altair replied.

Connor walked up to the steaming beast and caressed its scaly body.

"You're not cute, Fi-Fi, you're a majestic beast." Connor cooed.

All of a sudden, the dragon’s fiery red eyes changed into the adorable eyes of the poodle it had once been. Its form changed from scale to fluff as Fi-Fi deflated to poodle size once again.

“Connor, keep that thing on a lead…” Ezio warned as the poodle yapped happily.

“Sure, Fi-Fi isn’t hurting anyone. Just don't call her cute. She doesn't like that” Connor said while stroking the dog.

The Tanning Salon came into view as Theiof and the Assassins tried to non-suspiciously leave scene of Fi-Fi’s destruction. With a bright pink neon sign that read Tan Kwon Do, Ezio knew that this place offered more than spray tans.

“Ah, here we are!” Theiof said as they approached the dated salon.

Stepping inside, it looked like your average low-budget salon. Ezio’s brow furrowed as Theiof came towards him with tubes of tanning cream.

“So, Ezio? Sunset Orange, Felicity Yellow or Bronze Beauty?” Theiof asked while holding the tubes up.

“What is that?” Edward asked.

“It’s tanning cream. Choose your colour and step into the tanning booth.” Theiof told Edward.

“Why are we getting tans?” Connor asked, thoroughly confused.

“It’s a stage in initiation, Connor. I reckon you’d look nice in Bronze. Step in the booth.” Theiof said while pointing to a tanning booth to his left.

Connor obliged, handing Fi-Fi to Altair who reluctantly cradled the pooch. He then stepped into the cubicle and shut the door.

“Do I just stand here or what?” Connor asked.

“Take your, um…suit off and then hold your arms out.” Theiof explained.

“It’s a Spider-Man costume, but ok…” Connor said.

Ezio watched as Theiof jammed the Bronze Beauty tube into a valve in the tanning booth. Pressing a button, the machine came to life.

“Alrighty, Connor. Get ready!” Theiof shouted over the noise of the machine.

A horrid scream erupted from inside the booth as Theiof slammed another button.

“Wahhhh! IT BURNS!” Connor screamed.

“Keep your eyes shut, mate!” Theiof shouted.

“YOU FAILED TO MENTION THAT EARLIER!” Connor wailed as he screamed.

Suddenly Connor’s cries abruptly ended and a blinding light emerged from the tanning booth. The whole store shook violently before calming to a stop.

“What just happened?!” Ezio exclaimed.

“Well, that isn’t actually a tanning booth.” Theiof explained.

“No fucking shit, Sherlock!” Edward shouted while opening the door of the cubicle.

Inside, tanning cream splattered the walls. Connor was nowhere to be seen.

“Ok, next!” Theiof said while jamming a new tube of Bronze Beauty into the valve.

“I’m not getting in that thing! Where did Connor go?” Arno protested as Theiof tried to push him into the cubicle.

“Just get in, ok? Ezio, help me out, would you?” Theiof asked.

“I will after you tell me where Connor went.” Ezio demanded.

Theiof scratched his neck uncomfortably.

“It’s the lift to get downstairs…” He said.

“What kind of fucked up lift is it?” Edward asked.

“Hey! It’s not every day you get a free tan on the way to the ground floor!” Theiof protested.

Ezio sighed. He wasn’t sure what kind of sick business was operating downstairs, but the kid knew where the Templars were.

“Ok, Arno. Get in or I swear I’ll snap your baguette.” Ezio threatened.

Letting out a frightened squeak, Arno jumped into the machine. Theiof jammed a new tube of tanning cream into the valve and slammed the button. Another blinding light emerged from the contraption and Arno was gone…then Edward, then Altair and finally Ezio stepped into the machine.

“See you downstairs!” Theiof said before smashing the button.

Ezio felt his skin soak in the horrible orange tanning cream as he began to descend. Suddenly the floor of the cubicle disappeared and all went dark.

A/N: HEY ASSASSINS! What kind of 'sick business' is operating beneath Tan Kwan Do? Should Ezio trust this adolescent pimp? Don't get your Rope Darts in a tangle, all will be revealed soon! NOTHING IS TRUE, EVERYTHING IS PERMITTED! OH AND BTW 110 READS LIKE OMG THANK YOU! Hopefully this story becomes so famous that Ubisoft decides to use this for Assassin's Creed V (which it will because its epic).