Bitch Body

Throat

Rain dripped dropped past the open windows of this woman's hoopty. Two sisters simultaneously reached for their respective door, turning handles to bring up the glass. Just enough to keep dry yet still breathe in the cool February air. 

Water stopped falling at some point. They took no notice. Their conversation had touched on the heavy topic of suicide.  Sister on the driver's seat spoke first. She always hesitated to mention her theories to younger minds, knowing well these words paint portraits of a deeply troubled psyche.

"A suicide mindset never fully recovers. That impulse to end it all, to crash the program might always be an instinct." She wasn't looking at the other's eyes. 

"I still remember my first flirtation with death. I was 13, sitting out back in the laundry room. Mum was often on about what we would do if she dropped dead all of a sudden. I began obsessing over the idea of being parted with her definitively. To this child mind it was a burdensome thought no matter how many beatings & humiliations she put us through. It seemed impossible and yet I understood it was a matter of time. I cried secretly over it many times."

The passenger did not interrupt.

"Eventually, the thought of me dying became the obsession. Saw no other way out, no plausible escape. I stood on the roof of our house many times telling myself, a fall from this height would only cripple me. Fuck... I'm really afraid of heights. I cannot fathom why my imaginary deaths were always leaping off a tall place."   

"Mine were  about knives." Like such a utensil, the sibling's confession cut through the monologue.  

"I remember!" The older piped in. "You refused to wash knives in the sink, I used to think you were such a pussy." 

"I wasn't afraid of them. Stopping what I might do." 

Younger sister rarely spoke up. This was a breakthrough, a real deep moment was being shared. It came out of nowhere, and took the darkest turn. Neither of them looked scared or weepy. The atmosphere was exciting. Finally, somebody understands. 

They shared a few more deadly reminiscences, parked on the grass next to a solitary playground. They'd grown up together nearby. The older had quit their family home after high school. Younger remained in a room they had once shared. Different paths had pulled them away, yet so much held them together still. No matter how much time passed.

"I really regret losing touch with you guys. Life is bullshit. You get dealt this garbage hand and all of a sudden you missed out on everything..." She couldn't gauge her sister's feelings. Expressions were the strength of neither.  

"I should drop you off now, I have to pee and there's no way in hell I'm stepping into that house. Then mum will break into a three hour tale and I really need to spend what's left of my weekend playing video games or I'll start to hate life again." 

There were too many eyes at the entrance. Their farewell was rushed and outwardly indifferent.